Can You Hear Me Now?
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
The cell phone commercial that utilizes the words, “Can you hear me? Can you hear me now?”
may resonate with parents in addition to cell phone users. How many of us parents wonder if,
in fact, our children hear us when we make a request or give a directive because there is no
response on the other end? When this happens we tend to repeat ourselves over and over and
over again, but to no avail. We end up frustrated while our children learn to be non-compliant,
because when we repeat ourselves, we are, in effect, teaching our children not to listen to us the
first time. They know they don’t have to get it the first time, since the request will be repeated
many times over. So, how can we teach our children to listen the first time, take responsibility
for their choices, and decrease our frustration? The answer lies in how we give the directive in
the first place.
The first thing to remember is that, as parents, we cannot control our children’s behavioral
choices. Many of us feel responsible for our children’s choices, which can be gauged by how
emotional we get over their refusal to comply with our requests. When we repeat ourselves, we
are holding the responsibility for the task we are asking our child to complete. “Johnny, do your
homework….. Johnny, I said do your homework…. JOHNNY, TURN OFF THE TV AND GO
DO YOUR HOMEWORK!!!!!” Johnny is not feeling a sense of responsibility for his
homework completion, his parent is feeling responsible. As long as his parent feels this sense of
responsibility, Johnny will not feel it himself. What we can control as parents are the limits we
set, the consequences we specify, and following through in a calm and consistent manner. When
we set the parameters in this way, we provide an opportunity for our children to make their own
behavioral choices, based on the possible consequences for their choices, and we encourage a
sense of ownership for these choices.
This creates a sense of self-responsibility. If, for example
Johnny’s mother says, “Johnny, you need to start working on your homework by 5:00 P.M.; if
you choose not to start by 5:00, for every minute you delay you will lose 2 minutes of media
time tonight.”, Johnny learns that his behavior has consequences, and his mother can feel
comfortable in knowing she is setting appropriate parameters. If Johnny chooses not to start his
homework until 5:15, and she follows through in a calm manner by taking away 30 minutes of
his media time, she is taking charge of what she can as a parent, setting a limit, setting
appropriate consequences, and following through in a calm, consistent manner. If Johnny’s
mother remains consistent, he learns to make an informed choice about when to start his
homework, and this contributes to a developing sense of self-efficacy. Consistency is important
even in the face of our children’s resistance, and resist they will until they understand that
parents always mean what they say.
There are four steps to giving a directive. First, we need to be specific with our request. It is
not enough to say “Clean your room”, because what does “clean” mean? We have to specify
exactly what the child has to do to merit a “clean room”. For example, saying, “your clothes
need to be folded and placed in drawers or hung in your closet, there has to be a clear path to
walk in your room, and your bed needs to be made for your room to be considered clean”, leaves
nothing to the imagination and makes an evaluation of a clean room easy. Second, we need to
specify a time frame. We want to let our child know when his or her room should be cleaned
by. Next, we have to specify what happens if the child completes the request and what happens
if he or she does not. Putting this all together, giving a directive to clean a room would look like
this: “Johnny, your clothes need to be folded and placed in drawers or hung in your closet, there
has to be a clear path to walk in your room, and your bed needs to be made by 4:00 P.M. in order
for you to earn computer time tonight”. The final step in giving a directive is to follow through
with the stated consequence in a calm and consistent manner.
It is important for us as parents to learn that we cannot make our children’s choices, but can set
clear limits, can clarify consequences for the choices our children make, and can follow through
calmly and consistently. When we practice these parenting skills, not only do we encourage
compliance, but we also contribute to our children’s sense of self-efficacy. Utilizing these
strategies should reduce the need for the phrase, “Can you hear me now?” when we are giving
our children directives.
Marcia Kaufman, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
You Want to Wear What?
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
Lately, I’ve heard many parents express concern regarding their child’s choices in clothing and
accessories, while their child complains that parents simply don’t understand and are being too
controlling. While I certainly advocate for kids and teens to have freedom with respect to their choice
of attire, I also understand that the concern many parents have about their child’s clothing comes from a
place of love and protection. So, here are some thoughts for parents to entertain when confronted with the
question, “You want to wear what?”
Adolescence is a time for (healthy) experimentation and teens often try on many hats before figuring out
who they truly are and how they want to be perceived by the world. So for many teens, clothing choices
are a way to literally try on an identity. Their clothes often have an underlying meaning that is important
to them with respect to fitting in with their peer group. Therefore, that band t-shirt your child has been
begging for means more to them than just “I want that.” It is a way for your child to fit in with their
peers, have other kids notice them, or express who they are without having to say a word. Feeling like
one fits in, while simultaneously being unique, is one of the major goals teens have and clothing choices
not only help them portray who they are, but also help them feel more confident when in social situations.
Imagine for a moment that your child has decided to pick your outfit for your next business meeting
or social function…scary, right? Just as most children and teens do not understand the subtle nuances
associated with clothing and accessory choices many adults make (just think about the different sock,
watch, and shoe choices that are deemed socially appropriate given the situation), most adults do not
understand the meaning behind their child’s clothing choices. For example, adults who dress up for a job
interview are not only dressing up because of how they may be perceived, but also because dressing well
lends itself to increased self-confidence in a situation where another person is evaluating them. Similarly,
adolescents dress in particular styles because they feel more confident when interacting with peers who
they perceive as constantly evaluating them. Teens are in a heightened state of self-consciousness that
makes them feel like everyone is watching them. When embarrassed many people respond with anger or
irritability, which many be part of the reason a child may respond negatively if their parents try to make
them wear particular clothes. In the teen’s mind, those old, worn out jeans will make them look “cool”,
while those nice, new jeans will make them look like a “loser.”
When confronted with differences in opinion about what your child wants to wear, it is recommended
that parents explore their own reactions to their child’s choices. For many parents, their concern is not
only based upon a worry that others will treat their child negatively, but also based on a fear that others
will negatively judge them as parents. Once parents have a solid understanding of their own concerns
about their child’s clothing it is recommended that they then discuss their concerns with their child in
a non-judgmental way, while also listening to what their child says about why that particular outfit is
important to them. It is hoped that through open communication a compromise can be made so that
parents feel more comfortable and their teen feels heard. Finally, as long as the clothing choice is not
truly objectionable or inappropriate, it may be best to simply appreciate that you have a child who is in the
midst of healthy identity development. You might also take plenty of pictures so you can kindly remind
them of their “interesting” clothing choices when they are a parent themselves.
Mary Kathleen Hill, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
I Before E, but not after C
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
I have a good rule of thumb that keeps positive energy in balance in the world of parenting. It’s as much a challenge in the world of parenting as learning the rules of grammar once was, but also just as rewarding. The I before E rule is simple: Inquire before Evaluating. In other words, take the time to get information about what’s going on with your child before you evaluate the situation. When your child tells you that the teacher called him out today because he was clowning around in class, before you evaluate and give a thumbs down on getting called out, take the time to ask about what was going on. You might find out that your middle schooler is experimenting with power and finds humor from his/her friends irresistible.
Asking the right questions can help you to have a conversation that can deepen your understanding of the struggle that is tugging away during this developmental period. Or, before you evaluate your teen’s sleeping in until noon on the weekend, “inquire” first if there is anything getting in the way of going to sleep or sleeping through the night. Answers might help you to uncover a mental health issue, such as depression, that can manifest itself in low energy, fatigue, and insomnia. And here’s a perk: Being asked questions before getting feedback can help your child to feel visible and empowered, important experiences when you live in a world where you have to swallow so much feedback and accountability from adults. Your questions might even help your child to find answers that clarify what is going on for him or her. In fact, well-formulated question can help a child to think more deeply about the reasons behind what they’re doing.
In the end, this will probably help to create behavior change that is more enduring than blind compliance with your instructions. The third rule is also important– make sure the assessment and evaluation doesn’t come after Criticism. Anxiety often drives a spirit of correction, which can sometimes turn into criticism. Often, well-intentioned desires for our children to be successful slide into criticisms when expectations aren’t met. If a child hears the criticism, “Your room is never clean,” you’ve immediately weakened the power of the Inquiring (”What is your motivation for not keeping your room clean?”) and Evaluating (”It seems important to make picking up your room part of your daily routine”).
Following these grammar rules in parenting can be valuable slowing down the process of addressing an issue so that you can use a more understanding tone and feel more empathy. And for many of the issues that we are anxious to “fix” for our child, if we checked ourselves honestly, we can look back to a time when we thought, felt, or behaved the same way. Make yourself accountable for remaining positive in the process of teaching/evaluating by asking yourself if you’ve taken the time inquire just enough to help your child have a voice. And when you are navigating through a sea of instructions, being heard can feel good.
Virginia DeRoma, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Helping Children Deal with Anxiety: The Worry-Eater
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
Childhood anxiety is all too common in today’s world. Parents often ask me for concrete, practical ideas to help school-age children deal with worries. One of the tools I sometimes use in therapy with children is to create a “Worry-Eater.” To try it at home, tell your child that you have a great idea that will help take the power away from his worries.
Let him know that although the worries seem very powerful and difficult to get rid of, it is possible to gain control over the worries. Since children often doubt their own ability to manage the worries at first, ask your child to think of what kind of animal/monster/creature would be able to help him gain control over his worries. Ask your child to think about what his Worry-Eater would look like, what its name would be, and what kind of powers it might have. Once he has thought about the kind of Worry-Eater that could help him get rid of the worries, ask him to draw it. Be sure to have him add detail to the drawing and to really flesh out and describe the Worry-Eater’s powers.
Once the Worry-Eater is created, attach a big envelope or folder (anything that can hold pieces of paper) to the back of the drawing. Your child and you will then write down one of your child’s worries. For instance, your child might write, “I am worried I might get sick”, “I am worried about my test tomorrow”, or “I am nervous about this weekend’s sleepover.” Once the worry is written down, ask your child to “feed” his worry to the Worry-Eater (i.e., put it in the envelope/folder). Then help your child think about what the Worry-Eater will do to get rid of the worry.
In addition to “eating it up”, this might include using coping skills such as coming up with positive, encouraging thoughts, challenging the worry, and/or distracting oneself with pleasurable activities. This active and creative process of creating and using a Worry-Eater helps children feel more in control of their worries and builds important coping skills. Moving forward, your child can write down and have the Worry-Eater eat his worries on a daily basis (or as needed).
Praise your child when he gives worries to the Worry-Eater and if he brings up thos worries again later, gently remind him that the worry is gone because the Worry-Eater has already eaten it. With practice, your child will soon learn that he does not have to be bothered by worries any longer.
If your child has significant anxiety that is not responsive to your attempts to help him control it, it may be helpful to seek a short-term course of individual therapy with a professional who has expertise in childhood anxiety.
Kelly H. Theis, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Encouraging Healthy Autonomy in Your Teen
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
“They are trying to grow up too fast!” is a complaint that we often hear from parents about their young teenagers. Parents often end up in our offices because their efforts to make and enforce rules with their teens have backfired, and everyone is unhappy. While parents are generally just trying to keep their adolescents safe, teens tend to see parents’ efforts as overly strict, rigid and unfair. On the other end of the spectrum, some families end up consulting us because their teens are overly dependent and not making appropriate progress towards independence.
One important thing for parents to keep in mind is that teens are supposed to be growing up, and in fact they don’t have very much time to bridge that gap between losing the last of their baby teeth and choosing their first semester college courses. Further, by the time they get to the end of that process, most parents actually want their teens to be operating relatively self-sufficiently. They want their kids to know their own strengths and weaknesses and be able to make good, healthy decisions on their own. So, as the parent of a young teen, what can you do to help promote the kind of healthy autonomy that is likely to support your child on their path to being an independent, competent adult? Here are a few tips:
1. Include your teen. Research on adolescent development indicates that teens thrive when parents solicit input from them on family rules, even though parents still can opt to make the final decisions. Encourage your teen to tell you their reasons for wanting a certain privilege, and listen seriously to them while they do so. This practice in advocating for themselves can go a long way towards enabling teens to appropriately identify and assert their own needs later on in life. Further, teens who feel like their parents at least acknowledge their point of view (even if their parents don’t agree) are more likely to listen to their parents in return.
2. Pick your battles. Giving your adolescents control over some areas of their lives (e.g. clothing choices) can help reduce conflicts in other, arguably more important areas (e.g. curfew). Remember that teens’ drive to grow up can’t be squelched, any more than an infant’s drive to get mobile and explore the world can. The best parents can do is to try to “direct the flow” of this normative (though arguably difficult!) developmental process.
3. Give your teen responsibilities. If your son or daughter is going to ultimately be able to take care of themselves, they need to be in the habit of doing so before they are packing their bags to leave home. Teens can help with the family laundry, cook dinner once/week, take care of a younger sibling, wash the car, take out the trash… the list is almost as endless as parents’ own chore lists.
4. Find meaningful activities for your teen. Although many of our kids’ lives are very full, teens often complain that much of their time is spent on activities that don’t feel particularly worthwhile or important to them. Many adolescents are not great at delayed gratification, which makes schoolwork (leading to the distant vision of more of the same in college) not terribly fulfilling to them. Teens can gain a great deal of competence as well as personal gratification by helping others — volunteer work is a particularly powerful venue for building a sense of self and gaining important life skills.
Kathleen Boykin McElhaney, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Draw Your Lines in the Sand
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
Find it hard to say no? You’re not alone. At one time or another, we all fall victim to our own ill-defined limits. Whether it is something small, such as lending something that is not returned right away, or something more serious, such as inappropriate remarks from a peer, asserting boundaries can be tricky. That task is much harder when you do not know what your personal boundaries are. Let us break boundaries down, and take it one piece at a time.
First, consider with whom you have boundaries. Does anyone have an all access pass? Hopefully not. Even those with whom we share the closest relationship, at some point, we have a boundary. However, those boundaries vary greatly from person to person. For example, we have different limits that we place on our immediate family versus strangers. Here is a list of different people to consider when defining your personal boundaries:
• Spouse/Partner
• Children
• Parents
• Siblings
• Extended family (e.g., aunts, uncles, cousins)
• Close Friends
• Co-workers
• Acquaintances
• Strangers
Second, there are different types of personal boundaries. Think about it, there are many different ways your “comfort zone” can be breached, right? A stranger stands too close to you in the grocery line, an acquaintance asks a question that feels a little too personal, or a co-worker questions your religious beliefs. These are examples of physical, emotional, or spiritual boundaries. The next step in defining your personal boundaries is by understanding what type of boundaries you have. Below is a sample list of types of boundaries:
• Physical
– How much physical contact are your comfortable with?
– Consider the range of possible physical contact, from no contact to the most intimate types of touch.
• Emotional
– How emotionally close are you comfortable with a person being?
– This can be harder to define because it is an abstract idea, meaning that it is not something we can easily define.
Helpful questions for considering your emotional boundaries are:
• How much personal information are you comfortable with this person knowing?
• At what point do you start to find it more difficult to trust this person with personal information?
• How comfortable are you in allowing this person to see you emotionally upset?
• Financial
– How much money, if any, would you be willing to lend this person?
– How much money, if any, would you be willing to borrow from this person?
• Religious/Spiritual
– Would you be comfortable sharing your beliefs with this person?
– Would you be comfortable participating in religious/spiritual exercises/activities with this person?
• Privacy
– How much access to personal information/accounts are you comfortable giving to this person?
– How much access to personal spaces are you comfortable giving to this person?
The next step to defining personal boundaries is to explore what your limits are across boundary type and person. In other words, when with a stranger, what are your physical, emotional, spiritual boundaries? How about with a close family member? Consider making a chart that you complete to define the boundaries you have with the different people you encounter in your life.
The quickest way to asserting boundaries is to know what your boundaries are to begin with.
Amie Allain, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dealing with Self-Harming Behaviors in Teens
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
An increasingly common topic that I am asked about by parents and school counselors is self-harming behavior among teens. This issue puzzles counselors and frightens parents. It has been estimated that as many as one in five teens have tried self-harming. There isn’t a week that goes by that self-harm does not come up in my therapy office, so it seems to be a useful topic to discuss in this forum.
Self-harm (or self-injury) presents in different ways, but most often it’s cutting. While self-harming individuals do sometimes have suicidal ideation that may or may not accompany the acts of self-harm, most of the time self-injurious behavior such as cutting is not a suicide attempt. So that begs the question: why is this person cutting him or herself? There can be multiple answers to this question. At the most basic level, this is a means of coping with emotions that feel intense, painful, or overwhelming. Occasionally, a young person will try self-cutting out of curiosity. If they find it is not a pleasant or relieving experience, they probably won’t do it again. However, for some people, self-injury is an effective means of dealing with difficult emotional experiences. Self-harming behaviors may signify that an individual is going through a particularly difficult life experience or that he or she suffers from a chronic emotional problem such as depression, traumatic stress, or mood disturbance.
Often individuals who self-harm attempt to conceal the marks they have made. They may wear long-sleeved shirts or lots of bracelets to hide the cuts or scars. Also, they may cut or otherwise injure themselves in places that are typically concealed by clothing, such as the thighs or abdominal area. Sometimes individuals allow others to see the marks or appear to be putting them on display. I have frequently heard this described as “attention-seeking” or “manipulative” behavior. I don’t think it’s useful to construe this behavior in such pejorative terms. In my experience, this is most often the best way the individuals can come up with to communicate their difficulties so they will get help.
So what do you do if you find out your child is self-harming? First, don’t punish them for it and don’t shame them for it. Secondly, don’t make them show you all the marks. DO express concern and try to understand what the underlying feelings are. If your child doesn’t feel comfortable telling you what is going on, offer the opportunity for them to talk with someone else, such as a psychologist, about it.
It is important that teens who turn to self-harm learn more healthy ways of coping with their feelings. Therapy can be very helpful for both the teen and the parents in dealing with this problem. Treatment should focus on containing any actual life-threatening behaviors and helping the individual process and work through the underlying stressors that contribute to the self-harming behaviors. Additionally, family therapy may be needed to address contributing family dynamics. When self-harm is not life-threatening, it is not generally helpful to force the individual to stop self-injuring immediately or to hospitalize the individual for the behavior. A more effective method is to help the teen replace self-harm with other effective coping strategies and to address the actual underlying problems. The process of therapy in these cases can take considerable time, but can be very effective.
Melissa K. Hunt, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
FamilyFirst Psychological Services
Developing Resiliency for Our Fast-Paced Ever Changing World
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
We live in an ever-changing world. As soon as we buy a new computer or cellular phone, there is an update. Our environment, our economy, our health, our family situations are frequently in flux. Our children start new schools, get new teachers and coaches, join new social groups, and must navigate new demands from all of these sources. Learning to be resilient, or flexible under the influence of change, is a vital capacity to nurture given our fast-paced, variable world. But how does one go about nurturing the capacity of resilience?
According to Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., there are five key tips for developing resiliency. The first is an acceptance of reality that allows for an optimization of future possibilities. If we are overly optimistic we may not plan for the possibility of change. Being realistic about this possibility provides an opportunity for us to problem solve and be proactive. People who are overly optimistic may actually be protecting themselves from a thought they find intolerable. Resilient people are able to tolerate the difficult “what ifs”, because they believe in their abilities to adapt to new situations, even difficult ones. Appropriate realism does not mean we become fretters, it just means we are open to what may come our way and we believe in our capacity to deal with it.
Nurturing a social network also helps to encourage the development of resiliency. Cultivating allies and mentors to provide support during challenging times enhances our hardiness during these times. Feeling safe and having a deep belief that life is meaningful is a third key to resilience. Feeling safe can include a sense of spirituality or a religious belief, but it can also just mean feeling safe in one’s own ability to handle life’s challenging situations. Having this sense of self-efficacy allows us to navigate life’s winding roads. Resilient people are also highly creative and adaptable. This is the capacity to make lemonade out of lemons. Dr. Borysenko tells the story of looking into a nearly empty refrigerator with three wilted carrots and half an onion, and deciding that you will make a great soup.
Finally, resilient people have taken care of their “physical plant”. They exercise, eat right, and get adequate sleep. They practice mindfulness, being fully aware of the present moment without judgment, to enhance emotion regulation, focus, and the capacity to cope. They are aware of ‘burnout’ and take steps to keep their bodies running optimally.
The brain signature of resilience, according to Dr. Dan Siegel, is a moving toward rather than away from challenging situations. Increasing our capacity to tolerate the moving toward that which is difficult because we believe in our ability to deal with whatever life has in store for us, is what we mean by resilience. And resilience is a critical competence for us to develop as we navigate the 21st century.
Marcia Kaufman, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
(Portions of this blog were taken from a lecture by Joan Borysenko, Ph.D. at the conference of The National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine, December, 2011.)
Yes, YOU Are a Model
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
Ever feel like somebody’s always watching you? If you have children, then I’m assuming the answer is YES! I have heard several stories about parents talking candidly with their spouse only to later hear their child repeat the one phrase from that conversation that should never be repeated. Kids are like little sponges and they seem to absorb everything whether you want them to take it in or not. For those with older children, it might even surprise you to know that your 15-year-old recluse who stays shut up in their room hears and sees more than you realize when it relates to family life. Fortunately and unfortunately, this means that as a parent you are a model, maybe even a supermodel in their eyes.
In most instances, being a model for your children is a no-brainer and most parents readily accept this challenge; however, there are times when parents can sometimes forget that they are models and that their own attitudes and behaviors impact how their children think and act. For example, some parents struggle with controlling their own behavior when angry which, if happens more often than not, can lead to anger management difficulties for their child. In this instance it is important to remember that our children often mimic how we cope with feelings, so if one parent tends to be a yeller then this is modeling that yelling is an acceptable form of expressing one’s anger. If yelling is not acceptable within the family home, then the fact that one parent yells can be quite confusing and frustrating for a child (and adolescent) when they are reprimanded for expressing their anger in the same way.
It can be helpful for parents to sit down together and talk about how they expect their children to act when confronted with a variety of positive and negative situations so that each parent can attempt to model these behaviors themselves. For example, what would you expect from your child when they are disappointed about not making the varsity soccer team? Would you expect them to come home ranting and raving about how the coach does not know anything and that the try-outs were fixed or would you expect them to come home and express their understandable disappointment and frustration in a more productive way. In this instance, it is then important for each parent to think about how they have dealt with disappointment in the past and recognize whether they displayed anger toward their boss after not receiving a promotion at work or whether they came home and openly acknowledged their disappointment and frustration by discussing the situation with their spouse.
The good news is that kids take in our positive moments too! So each time you are polite to a waiter, compliment a friend or constructively resolve a conflict with your partner they soak up those moments too. The more you model how you would like your child to respond to situations, the more probable it is that they will follow your lead and the better you will feel about your parenting. However, remembering that no one is perfect and, therefore, no parent is perfect is also important. You can model a healthy self-acceptance of your own areas that need improvement as a way of helping your child if they tend to beat themselves up after making a mistake. For example, if you lose your temper and end up yelling you can later apologize to your child and let them know what you would have done differently. By doing this you are not only modeling how to acknowledge and apologize when you’ve been wrong, but you are also showing them respect. Now, tilt that chin and go model!
Mary Hill, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
It’s the Holidays- Time for “No” Thank You Notes
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
Take a minute to remember how it felt the last time that you were told “no.”
• “No tables left on the deck, but we can seat you in the corner inside.”
• “No, we actually don’t have your size and aren’t getting any more in.”
• “No, we have no more rooms available.”
When is the last time that you thanked someone for telling you, “No?”
• No deck seats and it’s such a beautiful day outside. Thank you very much.
• No more of the style I like in my size? I can’t thank you enough.
• Wow- I won’t be able to stay right in the conference hotel then. Thank you.
People generally hope and expect that things will go their way. They don’t want to do without, lose a chance, or not have their needs not taken seriously. Yet, when our needs aren’t met, it presents an opportunity to grow. We detach from the thought that things must always go right and learn to appreciate times when they do. Being told “no” helps us place aside our pride and our sense of entitlement and focus on experiencing what we know–disappointment is not only inevitable, but also necessary.
It reminds of something we sometimes forget in a world where we have friendships at our keyboard fingertips and extended store hours at our convenience — we are not in control. Not getting your way is good for you. Acceptance strengthens us. It reassures you that you can delay gratification. It slows you down enough to consider how you can manage when life is neither convenient nor comfortable. It helps re-establish clarity between what we want and what we need.
It strengthens our identity as strong, resilient, and resourceful. Being pushed outside our egocentrism zone helps us get in touch with humility and brings the background of others into focus–setting us up to understand, tolerate, and reciprocate. If you receive a holiday present that you didn’t want, something that doesn’t fit or that you can’t use, write a mental “no” thank you note for the reminder that life is about connection, rather than insta-contentment. And the next time you’re told “no,” finish with “thank you.”
Virginia DeRoma, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
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