Tips for Helping Your Child Adjust to a New School
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
For some children, it is more than just back-to-school time…it’s time to adjust to a whole new school! Whether your family recently relocated or your child is moving on to middle school or high school, starting a new school can be stressful. Below you will find 5 tips for helping your child adjust to a new school:
1) Provide opportunities for exposure to the new school. Take advantage of school open houses, tour the school, and meet the principal and other school staff. If possible, introduce your child to other students who will be attending the school and take advantage of a “buddy system” if the school offers one. Right before school starts, your child may benefit from a “trial run” that includes practicing the morning routine, including going to the bus stop/drop-off point and taking a walk to the new classroom(s). Make sure your child is familiar with the school schedule (including hours, class locations, etc.) and their routines for lunch and transportation.
2) Prepare your child for making new friends. Provide your child with a brief review of important social skills for creating new friendships, such as smiling, asking questions, identifying a shared interest, and getting involved in clubs/teams. Parents, too, can be an excellent resource for helping children meet new friends. You can arrange playdates, get your child involved in summer activities in the neighborhood, throw a cookout for families in the neighborhood, and start conversations with other parents at local playgrounds, libraries, etc.
3) Offer encouragement and support. Children may need additional “talk time” prior to and during the transition. Be available to hear their concerns, help them focus on the positive, and talk with them about what the change might be like. It may be helpful to talk with your child about successes he/she has had in dealing with transitions in the past and to remind him/her about previous positive experiences in making friends and meeting new people.
4) Get involved with the school. Children often feel comforted by their parents’ presence in school. Introduce yourself to your child’s teacher and maintain frequent communication. Get to know the school staff and visit often. If you have time, sign up to volunteer in the classroom and/or get involved with the PTA.
5) Read! Many books have been written for children of all ages about adjusting to a new school. Reading about issues children may face and/or hearing about how others have handled a similar transition can ease your child’s anxiety. Several recommended books include: “Ruby and the Booker Boys #1: Brand New School, Brave New Ruby”, “My New School”, “New Bear at School”, “First Day Jitters”, and “How to Be A Friend: A Guide To Making Friends and Keeping Them”.
Kelly H. Theis, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
The Existential Crisis
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
The question of making or finding meaning in one’s life is often the basis for intense episodes of psychological conflict. There’s the twenty-something post-graduate having a quarter-life crisis, the thirty-something professional hearing her biological clock ticking, the middle-aged man wondering why he’s slaving away at a job he doesn’t like, and the older woman looking back over her life and questioning the decisions she has made.
An existential crisis is defined as a stage of development at which an individual questions the very foundations of his or her life: whether their life has any meaning, purpose, or value. An existential crisis may result from a sense of being alone and isolated in the world, a new-found grasp or appreciation of one’s mortality, believing that one’s life has no purpose or external meaning, awareness of one’s freedom and the consequences of accepting or rejecting that freedom, or an extremely pleasurable or hurtful experience that leaves one seeking meaning. An existential crisis is often provoked by a significant event in the person’s life — college graduation, marriage, separation, major loss, the death of a loved one, a life-threatening experience, a new love partner, psycho-active drug use, adult children leaving home, retirement, or reaching a personally-significant age (turning 30, turning 40, etc.).
People look to various sources of clarity and support when they find themselves overburdened by existential angst. Many find help from spirituality or religion. Others turn to philosophical texts for an intellectual spin on their situation. Some fall into unhealthy patterns of behavior to cope with their discomfort, such as drinking too much, overeating, and getting into unhealthy relationships. These pivotal points in life can lead to episodes of anxiety and depression, especially when the individual does not have adequate social supports in place. So, while Nietzsche and Kierkegaard can be good companions during a mid-life crisis, sometimes you need a live person to bounce ideas off of. The existential crisis is actually a good time to consider psychotherapy. It can be helpful to have a neutral person with whom to process these concerns, to act as a sounding board without imposing a value-system on your life.
Melissa K. Hunt, Ph.D. Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services For many young adults, the transition from student to “grown-up” can be particularly challenging and stressful. After a lifetime spent in school learning how to make the grade and make a name for themselves on campus, many young adults are left feeling lonely and lost upon entering the real world. Other young adults, though their initial transition from student to adult was smooth, may begin to feel pressure to reach certain life milestones, such as marriage or starting a family. Adding in a graduate school career can complicate the matter even further. Whatever the reason, it seems it is much more common now than in previous decades for young twenty- or thirty-somethings to experience feelings of confusion, anxiety, and/or dissatisfaction with their current life trajectory. One question I typically ask young adults who express concern about not being where they should be is, “Where did you get your life plan?” What I mean by this is, did you develop your life plan when you were still in high school, are you using your parents’ plan as a guide for your own, or are you comparing your life to your friends’ lives? It is very easy to get caught up in the idea of “shoulds,” such as I should have a job that pays as much money as my friend’s job or I should be married by now. The problem with “shoulds” is that they are often self-imposed rules that can leave you feeling depressed or anxious. Instead of relying on shoulds, I suggest looking at what you do like about your life, reevaluating your priorities with respect to what is realistic for your current situation, and making a new plan for how to obtain short term goals that may lead you in the direction you are hoping to go in. For many people, just knowing that other young adults are feeling overwhelmed by their mounting responsibilities, changes in expectation, or the pressure to succeed, is enough to help them get through this tumultuous time; but, for others, they may find meeting with a psychologist beneficial. There are several advantages of talking with a professional rather than a family member or a friend; a psychologist is an objective party who does not have a preconceived notion of what your life “should” look like. Therefore, she is more likely to help you explore your needs, desires, goals, and self without the same expectations that those close to you may have. Additionally, a psychologist might be able to help you identify patterns of thinking or behavior that may be negatively impacting your life, such as “all or nothing” thinking, perfectionism, or self-sabotaging behaviors. Finally, you may find the mere act of talking through your concerns as helpful, especially when certain fears and worries about the future are normalized and validated. If you find yourself in the midst of a “quarter-life crisis” feel free to contact any of us here at FamilyFirst to discuss what options are available to you and to determine if setting up a consultation is right for you. Mary Kathleen Hill, Ph.D. Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services Quite a lot has been written about loss and grief. Many people are familiar with the model of grief introduced by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross that talks about denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Another well accepted model of grieving discusses 4 phases: numbness, searching and yearning, disorganization and despair, and reorganization and recovery. This model also sets out 4 specific tasks of mourning, including: accepting the reality of the loss, working through the pain, adjusting to the new environment in which the deceased is missing, and emotionally relocating the deceased and moving on. While these models can definitely be very important in helping people understand and normalize their reactions to a loss, as well as in guiding them through the process of coming to terms with a loss, at times they can also seem relatively abstract (what does “emotionally relocating the deceased” look like, exactly?). This can be particularly true when faced with real-life challenges such as making it through the holiday season without a loved one. Many people who have lost someone close to them find the holiday season to be especially difficult, even if the loss occurred some time ago. Entering in to the traditions of the holiday season often raise poignant reminders of those who have been lost. People who have experienced the loss might find themselves facing a range of challenges as well as distressing feelings. They may have to re-allocate the roles that used to be played by the person who is missing (”who is going to set up the Christmas tree” or “who will make my favorite cranberry sauce”). They may feel sadness at not being able to share this joyous time with their lost loved on, anger at being left to cope without him or her, or anxiety over how others (particularly children) may react to the changes that inevitably happen to family traditions when someone important dies. The primary advice on coping with loss during this time of year is to be kind to yourself and seek support when you need it. Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you are feeling, and find someone to share those feelings with. Friends and relatives can be a great support during times of grief, but they are sometimes full of their own grief or so immersed in the business of the holidays that they cannot be a support. Bereavement support groups are plentiful during the holiday season. Check with local churches, community centers, and hospice agencies to find a group that suits you. Similarly, try not to take on any more than you can handle. Prioritize the things that are most important to you and to your immediate family, and leave the rest to someone else. Recruit friends and other family member to cover the bases if there are too many things to do during the holidays. Take care of your physical self by getting enough rest, nourishment and exercise. Another common piece of advice is to find ways to honor and accommodate the memory of the one who has been lost into your holiday celebration. Especially for children, activities that renew the memory of a loved one can be soothing. A few ideas for remembering a loved one at the holidays include: making a collage of old holiday photographs, writing a letter to the lost person, making an ornament for him or her, lighting a candle in his or her memory and/or performing an act of charity in his or her honor. Kathleen Boykin McElhaney, Ph.D. Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services Although it’s still August, it’s not too early to start preparing your children for the back-to-school transition. By following the tips below, you can help your children get a smooth start to the new school year. Get back to a “school-friendly” sleep schedule. Schedules often become more lax in the summertime, particularly bedtimes. When bedtimes start getting later and later, wake-up times often get pushed back as well. As fun as that is for the summertime, it is important to help children get back on a school year sleep schedule. Ideally, this change should begin about two weeks before school starts in order to help children fully adjust to the appropriate bedtime and wake time for school. Rather than presenting it as a punishment, talk with your children about the benefits of getting more sleep. Deal with “I don’t want to go to school”. Summer is typically a fun, laidback, low-stress time for children, so it’s no wonder that the return of a more structured, demanding setting brings a bit of trepidation. The thing to watch for as a parent, though, is when this reluctance to go back to school becomes more significant. If you’re seeing an increase in anxiety in other areas, he/she is exhibiting more behavior problems, and/or if your child has had some negative experiences at school in the past, then it makes sense to spend some time talking with your child about exactly what he/she is feeling so worried about and problem-solving more specifically about ways to make school feel more comfortable and rewarding for your child. Focus on the positives. A lot of children light up when they talk about their friends, their kind teachers, or the games they play at recess. Be sure to get your child talking about what he/she liked about school last year (and feel free to give reminders if they “can’t remember” anything good about school) and things he/she might be looking forward to at school this year. Meet the teacher/tour the school. Many schools offer an orientation or opportunity to meet the teacher before the first day of school. Whenever possible, take advantage of these opportunities because it can help ease children’s anxiety. Also, in the case of school transitions, such as to kindergarten or starting middle school or high school, be sure to schedule a tour of the school so that children can familiarize themselves with the surroundings. These kinds of opportunities will go a long way toward minimizing anxiety associated with a new setting or new teacher. Maintain family routines. It is common for routines to get disrupted once school begins. It can be hard to maintain Tuesday evening family bike rides, for example, when the demands of school come into play again. Near the start of school and during school, however, are exactly the times when those family routines are needed. Family time and family traditions provide a sense of comfort and safety to children and they are especially important during times of transition. Going back to school can be stressful even for students who really enjoy school. A little extra support and reminders about the positive aspects of school should be enough to help them make the transition successfully. However, if you notice that the transition back to school is causing significant stress for your child or for your family, it may be helpful to seek professional support. Kelly Theis, Ph.D. Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services The thought of telling a child about the death of a loved one is a daunting task for most parents. The first experience of loss is often associated with the death of a pet; however, the death of a grandparent or other close relative is often the experience that evokes tough questions and intense emotion. How much a child understands and reacts to death varies according to developmental stage, life experience, and temperament. However, there are a few important points that can be applied in most cases. When telling a child about a recent death being open, honest, and validating is key. As adults we have many questions about death and dying ourselves, hence it only natural that you may not have all the answers to the questions your child asks you. If your family follows a particular faith, it may be helpful to both you and your child to incorporate your faith’s teachings and beliefs when attempting to answer tough questions. Additionally, it is important to understand that we all experience death differently; therefore, sending the message that all emotions are acceptable helps create a reassuring environment. Depending upon your child’s development, you might also want to avoid using terms that suggest a loved one is sleeping or lost. Many younger children are literal thinkers; therefore, they may not understand the difference between sleeping in the general sense versus the idea of “eternal sleep.” Research has shown that children’s understanding of death varies according to their developmental stage. For instance, preschoolers do not fully understand that death is a permanent state; therefore, they sometimes struggle with understanding that the deceased will not be coming back. School age children (i.e. 5 years to 9 years) usually comprehend the finality of death and often personify death through archetypes such as the boogeyman or the grim reaper, which can lead to fears and even nightmares. Around the age of 10 years through adolescence, children finally realize that death is irreversible and unavoidable, even for themselves. During this stage, it is not uncommon for adolescents to want to explore the meaning of life, as well as the meaning of death. It is during this time, that parents and adolescents may engage in deep theoretical discussions, so it is important for parents to monitor their own reactions to death so that they continue to provide an open, accepting environment. Finally, it may be helpful to know that there are several stages of grief most individuals experience; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance (Kubler-Ross, 1969). The five stages are not necessarily experienced in order or by everyone, but are meant to help normalize individual experiences. For instance, while one family member is experiencing feelings of anger, another may be experiencing intense sadness, yet each individual’s experience is healthy. Mary K. Hill, Ph.D. Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services Now that summer is here, many of our children will be heading off to camp. Some will be attending overnight or “sleep away” camps for the very first time. While some children anticipate camp with eagerness and excitement, others evidence a range of negative emotions, including nervousness, fear, sadness and/or anger. Your child may be particularly likely to feel negatively about camp if he/she has had difficulty managing other separations in the past (e.g. spending the night at a friend’s), tends to be temperamentally anxious or shy, has negative expectations about the camp experience, and/or feels that he/she did not have any control over choosing the camp. As you prepare your child to attend an overnight camp, there are several ways that you can increase his/her level of comfort and help to ensure that your child ultimately has a positive camp experience. Here are a few suggestions along those lines: Talk with your child about his/her feelings about going to camp. If he/she has negative feelings, allowing those feelings to be expressed may in itself help improve your child’s outlook. Don’t try to talk your child out of his/her negative feelings, but instead just try to listen and accept them. Normalizing worries about homesickness or making new friends can also help, as long as you don’t try to dismiss the feelings at the same time. Brainstorm about ways that your child can help him or herself feel better if negative feelings come up while at camp. Journaling and/or letter writing, talking to a friend or camp counselor and/or engaging in a fun activity can help to alleviate negative feelings and help your child to enjoy the camp experience. It might help to have your child make a list of coping strategies that he/she can use “just in case.” Find ways to involve your child in the planning process. If the camp is already planned, allow your child to make choices about what clothes to bring and what favorite items from home will accompany them. If there are special items that need to be purchased for the camp, allow him/her to accompany you on the shopping trip and to help decide on the purchases. Be sure that your child knows what to expect from camp. Talk about how your child will get to camp, what will happen while he/she is there, and how long he/she will stay. Look over the camp information together, so that your child knows what will be expected of him or her and what types of activities he/she is likely to be doing. Consider reading a book about going to camp with your child. Appropriate for younger elementary school age children are: Pinky and Rex Go to Camp by J. Howe and The Night Before Summer Camp by N. Wing. Appropriate for older elementary school age children is The Summer Camp Survival Guide by C. Pallatto and others. Help your child find ways to feel connected with you, even while apart. Talk with your child how and how often you will be able to communicate with him/her while he/she is at camp. Having a plan about this process ahead of time can help your child feel more secure in staying connected with you while he/she is away. (Be sure to check with the camp regarding their policies on communication, so that you can plan accordingly). Consider sending a care package or letter to arrive on the first day, and/or writing notes that your child can open each day. Don’t feel guilty about encouraging your child to stay at camp. For many children, camp is a first step toward independence and plays an important role in their growth and development. For most children, negative feelings about camp do not persist after the first day or two. Successfully managing this rite of passage can help children to build confidence in themselves and in their ability to manage on their own, which in turn will help them to develop the competence and autonomy they will need to face other challenges ahead. Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services Sometimes families are affected by an event or experience so traumatic that it seems to reshape the fabric of who they are and how they function as a family unit. Even when a traumatic experience happens to only one member of the family, its effects can be felt throughout the family system. When the individual who suffered the trauma is a child, the symptoms associated with the experience can leave his or her parents feeling helpless and bewildered. Knowing that there are experts available who understand how to treat psychological trauma in children and adults can sometimes provide a lifeline to families who feel as if they are drowning in it. Whether the experience is related to a sudden loss of a loved one, being involved in a car accident, experiencing a house fire, witnessing a frightening event, or being physically violated in some way, traumatized individuals often have similar types of symptoms. These can include a change in mood, feeling jumpy or hypervigilant, difficulty sleeping, and having nightmares or flashbacks. Sometimes traumatized children may become more aggressive as a means of communicating their distress. Many people who have been through traumatic life experiences have intrusive or unwelcome memories about the events. These bad memories are a way of reliving or re-experiencing in their minds what happened before in real life. Sometimes the bad memories make the person feel like he or she is right back in the moment when the traumatic event happened. This can include bringing back feelings that he or she had in that moment. When the memories come, it is important for the individual to remember that he or she is not having the experience again for real. It is also important for the individual to remember that the memories cannot cause him or her harm. A strategy called “grounding” is useful to help the individual to remember that he or she is in the here-and-now, not in the time when the horrible thing happened. Some grounding techniques include: While experiencing traumatic events can be life changing for individuals and families, it is important for those going through it to know that help really is available. It’s also true that sometimes enduring such great difficulties can foster self-reflection and growth, enabling families to become stronger and closer. Melissa Hunt, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
January 31, 2011
Navigating Young Adulthood
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
January 24, 2011
Coping with Loss During the Holidays
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Getting Ready for A Successful School Year
August 15, 2010
Handling a Death in The Family
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Heading Off to Camp!
Create and/or use successful past experiences as a way to build confidence. If your child has successfully managed other, similar challenges in the past, remind him/her of those successes and how he/she coped previously. If necessary, practice separations before camp and talk with your child about how they go. Express confidence that your child has the competence to meet this new challenge.
Kathleen Boykin McElhaney, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
When Bad Things Happen
(1) Saying out loud “You’re only a memory. You’re not really happening.”
(2) Holding or touching an object that helps you feel safe, comforted, or happy,
(3) Telling someone you trust that you are having the memories, and letting them help to ground you by holding your hand, rubbing your back, talking to you about something else, or doing an activity with you.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
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