Values We Live By: What Are Yours?
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
It is generally safe to assume that a person has a set of values he or she lives by. When asked, it is probably easy to identify a handful of personal core values. Yet, if pressed, how easy is it to name all the values that define who you are? Do you think your children could name your top three?
More often than not, we assume that not only do we understand what our values are without really needing to think about it, but we also assume our children and others know what those values are too. Just as we teach our children vocabulary to learn and understand new concepts, so too do we need to teach the vocabulary of personal and family values.
So, what are values? They are words, ideas, and standards we live by, that define our person, our family. Values may be taught to us through family tradition, including examples such as integrity, honor, bravery, or education. We learn values from our culture: togetherness, independence, or tradition. Values can come from spiritual means: faith, selflessness, compassion, or forgiveness, or from friends: trust, openness, honesty, and respect. We even have values we learn from our favorite sports team: loyalty, pride, and sportsmanship!
Our personal values define who we are. Values help a person make tough choices, pick their friends, and decide what to do in life, day in, and day out. Take a moment, and ask yourself the following questions. Do you notice any consistent values you rely on; or perhaps, values you were not fully aware you held?
- How do you choose to spend your free time?
- How did you decide on your job/career?
- How do you choose your close friends?
- What are the most important factors you consider when faced with tough choices?
- How do you react/respond when someone wrongs you?
- If someone described you in three words, what words would you hope they choose?
Defining and internalizing a set of personal values is an important part of developing your identity. Values offer a baseline for decision-making, problem solving, and choosing the people with whom you surround yourself. Values are our guideposts in navigating life’s curvy roads. Values help define our families, and help mold our children. As parents, the family values we establish serve as the foundation for the personal values our children adopt.
Throughout their lives, we can teach our children the things we value. As small children, it may be through songs or play. In grade school, it may be through drawings or games. In early and late adolescence, keeping a “values business card” in your pocket may be the way you choose to always remind yourself, and your children, of what is important. Either way, defining family values teaches the vocabulary and the skills needed to develop strong identities and a basis for making healthy decisions and tough choices throughout our children’s lives.
Amie Allain, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
What To Do When You Can’t Do Anything About It
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
Wishing something would happen but it never does. Wanting someone to do something different, but she never does. Worrying about what someone else thinks of us, getting angry when the rain spoils our cookout, and stressing about what the traffic will be like when we leave work tonight. These are all things we have no control over. And yet, these are the types of situations that we often spend many hours of our day fretting about, causing our lives to be more stressed than they need to be.
Often, when we are stressed, anxious, or feeling down, we are focusing on what we can’t control and, unfortunately, not taking charge of what we actually can control. When we focus on what we cannot control, our anxiety, as well as our feelings of hopelessness and sadness, increase because we are, in fact, creating an impossible situation for ourselves. No matter how talented or intelligent we are, we have no control over the weather, what someone else thinks of us, or what someone else does or says. And when we shine the spotlight on that which we cannot control, we leave all that we can control hiding out in the dark. For example, we can take control by developing a contingency plan or alternate date for our cookout, and by making the best possible behavioral choices for ourselves when interacting with others. Once we have taken control of what we can, it then helps to remind ourselves that this is all we can do, and we will have to let the rest go. If we are successful, we tend to feel more at peace and less stressed and anxious.
Differentiating what we can and can’t control, problem solving when we do have control over a situation or parts of a situation, and letting go when we do not, are vital steps for maintaining a mentally healthy life. Once we have determined which parts of a situation we can and can’t control, we can go through 4 basic problem solving steps to manage what we can control and we can learn strategies for letting go of what we cannot.
When we approach a problem or a dilemma, we first want to define the problem, then think of ALL possible solutions, thirdly, think of the consequences or ramifications for each possible solution, and finally, make the best choice, given our options and the consequences for each option. We can practice slow deep breathing, mindful meditation, yoga, and visual imagery techniques to learn to let go of that which we cannot control. Distracting ourselves with enjoyable activities such as reading, exercise, listening to music, talking to a friend, or snuggling with our loved ones, also works well when we need to let go of what we cannot control.
When feeling especially stressed, ask yourself if you are shining the spotlight on what you can’t control and try to light up what you can control. Often the stressful feeling itself can be a clue that you are focusing on things you have no control over. Learning to differentiate what we can and can’t control, problem solve what we can control, and let go of what we can’t, will help us find a sense of peace, reduce stress and anxiety, and leave us with a greater sense of empowerment in our daily lives.
Marcia Kaufman, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Using Movies and TV Shows To Connect With Your Child
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
As children get older, they often become more reluctant to talk to and listen to their parents, especially as entities outside the home, such as peers and the media, start to exert a stronger influence over them. Whether we like it or not, children learn a lot about life from the media, especially movies and television shows. Rather than fighting or ignoring the power of the media, parents can help children become more active consumers of what they watch. Further, children and adolescents can have trouble talking openly and directly about difficult topics, such as peer relationships, loss, mood problems, and/or self-esteem. However, if you listen carefully, they often inadvertently talk about their life or struggles they are experiencing by referencing characters or plots they have seen. This is because it can be much less threatening to talk about difficult topics that fictional characters are experiencing than to talk about one’s own life. Thus, movies and television shows can be a perfect common ground for starting productive discussions with children.
One way to use movies and television as a family communication tool is to ask a few thought-provoking questions after watching a show or movie together and/or as your child shares information about something he/she watched. Through movies and television shows, children can: consider positive and negative lessons they learned; see how an individual handles and copes with situations; learn things to do and not to do; and feel less alone in what they are facing/experiencing. Questions you can ask your child to encourage thoughtful processing may include:
How did the movie/show make you feel?
Do you identify with a specific character?
Did it remind you of anything that has happened to you?
What did you think about what “x” character did/felt/etc.?
Is there anything you admired about any of the characters?
If it had a message for you, what was it?
Rather than just passively taking in what they watch, this kind of questioning encourages children to more actively analyze what they are being exposed to.
In addition to helping your children process media they have already seen, you also can pick out specific movies or shows that have a message you want your children to hear. Examples of movies and different themes include “Lion King” for fears or loss, “Seabiscuit” for self-esteem and determination, “Sixteen Candles” for peer relationships, and “Karate Kid” for emphasizing the power of a mentor. Even specific episodes of common television shows, such as “The Berenstain Bears” going to school for the first time or “Hannah Montana” demonstrating that nobody is perfect, can be used to support messages you are trying to teach your child. There is no “right” or “wrong” movie or show to use; what matters most is that you pick topics and themes with which your children can connect and that you approach the conversation in a nonjudgmental, open way. In most cases, because of the non-threatening manner in which the issues are brought up, conversations about shows and movies will serve as a springboard for further conversations, and ultimately a closer relationship, with your child.
Kelly H. Theis, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Tips for Co-Parenting After Divorce
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
Divorce brings up many emotions, including anger, sadness, loss, and/or relief, and individuals often need time away from their ex-spouse in order to work through their feelings and move forward. For spouses who also are parents, however, ongoing interactions with one’s ex-spouse are inevitable. That is, even though they are not married any longer, they will always be co-parents together. The quality of the co-parenting relationship is an important factor that affects a child’s adjustment after divorce. When parents are able to develop a respectful and collaborative co-parenting relationship even after their marital relationship ends, children of divorce are more likely to be happy and do well.
In order to co-parent as effectively as possible, several suggestions are encouraged:
1: Make your child’s happiness and well-being your number one joint goal.
2: Treat the other parent in a respectful, calm, direct, and neutral way. For example, treat him/her as you would a business colleague.
3: Treat your child as a child. Do not use your child as a messenger, spy, or friend.
4: Encourage your child to have a good relationship with the other parent.
5: Make visitation exchanges as calm and relaxed as possible.
6: Try to have similar rules, schedules, and expectations across both homes.
7: Do not talk poorly about the other parent in front of the child.
8: Keep conversations kid focused.
Depending on the nature of the former marital relationship or the stress of the divorce, it may be very difficult to put aside marital issues in order to focus on the child’s needs. If you need assistance to do so, seek counseling (either individually or together). Because children whose parents co-parent well are often more secure and have better problem-solving skills, by committing to strengthening your co-parenting relationship, you are investing in your child’s long-term well-being.
Kelly H. Theis, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Diffusing Family Conflicts around the Holidays
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
For many, the holiday season is a joyous time of year full of friends, family, and laughter; however, for some, the thought of spending extended time with certain relatives can evoke feelings of dread and anxiety. Dealing with difficult people can be a challenge, especially when those difficult people are related to you by either blood or marriage. Below you will find several ideas on how to best diffuse potential conflictual situations with grace and poise.
The Criticizer: There is usually one in every family, the person who tends to point out everyone’s faults and criticize even the most delicious family meal. When interacting with the criticizer, it is typically best to not take the slights personally and remember that it takes two to tango. Remember that the criticizer may not fully be aware of their tendency to put others down and that those who tend to criticize are typically not comfortable themselves. So instead of responding with an equally disrespectful quip, you might consider remaining silent as silence can often be a powerful statement on its own. You might also consider taking preventative measures by ensuring the individual feels included and appreciated by either being particularly complementary or attentive to the individual. If silence does not seem to help control the comments or ignoring the comments is not possible, you can politely confront the individual and enlist their “help.” For example, after pulling the criticizer aside you could say, “So-and-So, I need your help with something. This year we are trying to really focus on the positives aspects of our lives and it would be fantastic if you could help us model positive thinking for the kids. I know you are great at making observations, so I figured you would be one of the best family members to enlist in our positive thinking plan.”
The Amateur Politician: One surefire way to create family drama is to engage in any conversation where you know several family members disagree, politics being one of the front-runners of conflict starters. Instead of engaging in emotionally charged conversation topics, it may be better to change the subject to something more benign such as movies, television shows, or new books. If you find that the amateur politician does not want to deviate from their beloved topic, you could pull them aside (e.g. ask for a little help in the kitchen) and politely let them know that you are trying to keep the peace this holiday season and that their help would be greatly appreciated. You could even ask them if they want to decide on a fun family game to play to help them feel needed and important. It is strongly advised not to engage the amateur politician in any sort of debate, as you will not change their mind no matter how informed you may be on a subject matter. For many individuals, the debate itself is what they crave not truly learning and listening to another’s point of view.
Your Complete Opposite: In some families, there are two people who are so completely different it is amazing that they are even part of the same gene pool. Sometimes these opposites get along great and find each other fascinating; other times, these opposites collide like a chemistry experiment gone wrong. If you are confronted with your archenemy each holiday season you might consider the following tips. You are only in control of your actions and reactions, meaning you must start with changing your response if you hope to decrease conflict. This does not mean that you must put up with abusive behavior; however, the use of tact, silence, and simple statements such as, “everyone has a valid opinion” or “I can see how you see the situation that way” can help control the friction between you two. If necessary, you might consider having someone with you when interacting with this individual to add a buffer and help take the focus off of you. Finally, remember that conflict usually arises because of a dynamic between two people not because one of you is right and one of you is wrong. Keeping in mind that when you engage another person in a power struggle you yourself then become part of the equation, just as you make-up traffic when stuck on I-495 at rush hour.
Finally, even the most loving, close-knit families can begin to grate on each others’ nerves after several days together, so it is normal to find yourself needing a break from all of the family festivities. Making sure you give yourself time away from family to recoup and reenergize is an excellent way to prevent blow-ups and also models good self-care to younger family members. Also, when appropriate, humor can help lighten the mood at any occasion and can help you cool yourself down. Watching funny movies or telling funny stories can not only brighten the situation, but can also help bring families together; just make sure the funny stories are not at another’s expense. Finally, give yourself permission to just go with the flow. Many individuals tend to plan every moment of family time because they are worried their guests will be bored; however, planning each day by the minute can increase stress, increase conflict, and decrease family fun. Holidays are meant to be fun, so make sure you schedule yourself some fun time whether it is with the entire family or alone at the spa.
Mary Kathleen Hill, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
12-01-2010
The Value of Empathy in Parenting
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
Empathy is one of the most important tools that parents have in helping us to connect with as well as manage our children. But it is also a tool that is frequently under-utilized and/or misunderstood.
What is empathy?
Empathy involves understanding another’s feelings. It is related to, but different from compassion, sympathy, and/or pity. Being empathic involves putting oneself in another’s shoes and seeing an issue from the other person’s point of view – even if their thoughts and feelings are different from what you would feel in the same situation. It does not automatically involve giving someone their way and/or excusing misbehavior.
What does empathy look like?
Empathy can take a lot of different forms, but one component is good listening. While this sounds easy, in fact good listening is often quite difficult to do. Good listening that fosters connection with another’s feelings means listening with full attention and holding off on blame, judgment and/or offering solutions. Listening with full attention also means stopping whatever else you are doing, making eye contact, and allowing the other person to talk without much interruption.
Empathy also involves an expression back to the other person that indicates that you understand. Interestingly, saying “I understand” often does not do the trick. A common recommendation with regard to communicating understanding is to name the feeling (or general feeling state) that the other person seems to be having. It also can help to tie the feeling to the specific experience that is being described. For example: You seem angry. Wow, that made you mad. You are furious! You hate that ___ happened. You seem sad. It hurt your feelings that ____. You didn’t like it when ____. You are really proud of yourself. You feel good that you ____. It made you feel grown up when ____. You really care about ____. You are excited! You were embarrassed when _____. You are really frustrated that ____.
Why use empathy?
Broadly speaking, communicating understanding of our children’s feelings promotes healthy and positive social and emotional development. Giving our children a vocabulary for their internal states is an important tool in helping them along the road to understanding themselves and coping with difficult experiences. It also helps teach them perspective-taking and facilitates their ability to relate well to others. Finally, empathy helps to foster positive parent-child relationships, which is one of the strongest predictors of good outcomes for children.
On a more practical level, however, empathy can be a very important tool for managing our children’s behavior. It can help de-escalate emotional outbursts and temper tantrums, re-direct children’s behavior, and decrease parent-child conflict.
Other resources
An excellent book about how to use empathy to improve parent-child relationships and increase child compliance is How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
Kathleen McElhaney
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Posted 10-11-2010
Happily Ever After…
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
From an early age, we are taught that once we fall in love we live happily ever after and ride off into the sunset with our perfect mate. This kind of message often creates the misconception that relationship difficulties are abnormal and a sign that a relationship must be doomed. In reality, relationship difficulties are not only common, but also a normal aspect of marriage and dating. All romantic relationships have their ups and downs; sometimes partners feel incredibly connected to each other, while other times they may feel disconnected and confused. To make matters worse, it is all too easy for people to begin comparing their relationship to others’ relationships without considering that some couples present only the positive aspects of their relationship when in public, yet struggle with their own relationship issues behind closed doors.
So how do you determine when difficulties in your romantic relationship are more than you and your partner can handle on your own? The answer to this question varies from couple to couple, but one important aspect to consider is whether you and your partner are able to communicate effectively with one another, even when negative emotions surface. People often assume that negative emotions, such as resentment, anger, and hurt, are bad for a relationship; however, it is often during the “troubled times” that we learn the most about ourselves and our partners, which can actually strengthen a relationship.
The key resides in solid, empathetic communication because when we are able to communicate effectively with our partner positive changes can take place. One of the most important aspects of communication, listening, was highlighted by Dr. Kelly Theis in her recent blog, Listening Isn’t As Easy As It Seems. Allowing your partner to feel heard and understood by you is not only a surefire way to open up lines of communication, but also an act of love that helps create an atmosphere of mutual respect and intimacy.
For many individuals the prospect of marriage therapy, or couples counseling, evokes feelings of embarrassment, fear, and/or anger, which is completely understandable and normal. Talking about the unpleasant aspects of one’s marriage is difficult; however, it is hoped that the process of counseling will also lead you and your partner to uncover your unique strengths, both as a couple and as individuals. Learning to balance both the “we” and “me” aspects of your relationship can help you and your partner grow together, as well as individually.
Mary Kathleen Hill, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Listening Isn’t As Easy As It Seems
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
In all relationships, an important part of effective communication involves trying to understand where the other person is coming from and what they are feeling. Thus, when communicating with your partner, children, friends, or colleagues, listening is often more important than talking. Listening is not as easy as it seems; with a few useful tips and practice, however, we can all improve our ability to be good listeners.
The first rule of thumb for being a good listener is to be “active.” Listening involves maintaining focus and attention and keeping your mind open to what the person is saying. Even if we do not agree with the person’s message, communication can be more productive when we listen with our full attention and respect.
Second, after you hear the person’s message, check in to make sure you understand exactly what he/she is trying to communicate. This may involve asking clarifying questions about anything you do not understand. It also may involve restating what you heard to make sure you understand the message correctly and that you didn’t miss anything. In addition to listening for facts, also listen for feelings. As we begin to figure out what facts and feelings are being communicated to us, it can be useful to check in again to make sure we are on track. When we assume what other people are thinking or feeling without checking in, we risk misunderstandings, arguments, and failed communication.
Third, good listeners present themselves in an open and inviting manner. To be a good listener, stay aware of your body language (e.g., arms crossed vs. arms open) and maintain good eye contact. It also is important to create an environment that supports effective listening. For instance, avoid distractions (e.g., turn off the television) and pick a good time for the conversation. If you are not ready for an important discussion, such as if you are in a bad mood or something else is on your mind, let the other person know that you would like to listen but that it would probably be best to identify another time for the conversation.
Lastly, do not interrupt the speaker. Allow the person to finish what they are saying and keep listening the whole time. Many of us start to formulate our responses while the other person is still talking; this can backfire because we do not always hear everything they are saying and/or we come across as disrespectful.
Effective communication is the cornerstone of supportive, understanding, healthy relationships. When you are able to listen and truly understand what your partner, children, friends or colleagues are saying, it paves the way for good communication and, ultimately, stronger relationships.
Kelly H. Theis, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Family Time
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
In today’s fast-paced world it is hard to find time to relax and connect with those who mean the most to us. Family members are pulled in a multitude of directions and by the time everyone is home from work or school it is time to run to either soccer practice or cub scouts, which leaves little time for a family to bond on a daily basis. When the small amount of time left over for family is neglected it can result in feelings of guilt, under appreciation, and resentment. So, how do you make family a priority when your time is limited?
Focusing on the quality of your interactions rather than the quantity of interaction is a great place to start. By quality time, I mean the special moments that are important even though the actual amount of time spent together is limited. For example, a father spending 10 minutes listening to a child discuss their day can be more valuable than an entire hour spent watching television together. Additionally, spouses laughing while cooking dinner together can be beneficial not only for the couple, but also the entire family as their decision to work as a unit serves as an excellent model for teamwork. When we make a conscious decision to focus our attention on our loved ones (even if only for two minutes) we are making a statement that we support and care for each other, which has lasting, positive effects on all family relations, including parent-child, sibling, and spousal relationships.
Actions that strengthen bonds among family members can be planned or spontaneous. Many families like to schedule “family time” because it helps them remember to keep family a priority. Any activity that is interactive, enjoyable and aimed at strengthening attachments between family members can serve as a family time activity. Some useful examples of quality family time might include: playing games, eating meals together, bedtime stories/rituals, exercising, or simply talking about the day’s events. For those who travel frequently or work atypical hours, you can still work in quality family activities by scheduling time to talk on the phone, emailing, or leaving notes for loved ones.
Spontaneous quality time, such as stopping what we are doing to answer a child’s question or telling a spouse thank you for remembering to take out the trash, is often the most effective at strengthening bonds; however, unplanned moments can be easily overlooked. The good news is that when we simply make the decision to be more aware of how our actions affect others we often make changes without much effort. In this instance, making a point to recognize the potential for connection in moments that arise throughout each day can serve as reminders to make family a priority.
At the end of the day, it is up to you and your family to decide what activities and moments define your “family time.” For some families, spending time in the car talking while running from one activity to the next serves as quality family time while for other families they prefer to have scheduled family game nights. Each family is different, as are the needs of each family member, so it might be helpful to sit down together and discuss each individual’s perception of what constitutes a family activity and quality family time. You might be surprised that something you do everyday, such as tucking in your daughter, means much more than you even realized.
Mary Kathleen Hill, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Helping Children Make Lemonade Out of Lemons
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
Most of us have been around people who bring us down with their negativity and pessimism and (let’s admit it) we all sometimes have days in which we, too, seem to focus on the glass being half-empty. As you might imagine, our tendency to see the glass as half-full or half-empty starts developing early in life. Fortunately, research has shown that parents, teachers, and other close adults can foster optimism in children. This is very important because research also has shown that individuals who are optimistic and able to see the positive side of situations are more likely to be successful, happy, and healthy and less likely to be anxious and depressed.
So what can parents do to foster optimism and help children make lemonade out of lemons? First, children sometimes need “training” to focus on the positive things that happen in their lives. In order to increase the positive thoughts they have, encourage them to identify and talk about good, happy, or amusing things that happen to them each day. This may be something as special as getting a good grade on a test or as simple as laughing at a funny joke. The key is to help them notice the good things that happen each day. Dinnertime and/or bedtime are often good times for having these types of discussions with children.
Since children usually want to be just like their parents, parents need to focus on the positives as well. Rather than calling attention to all the things children are doing wrong or need to improve, they will benefit much more from parents noticing when they are doing things “right.” Psychologists suggest that parents should “catch their child being good.” For instance, thank your child when he puts his clothes away without asking (even if he is supposed to do it) and appreciate when siblings share nicely with each other (rather than just keeping your fingers crossed that another argument doesn’t ensue). A good rule of thumb for parents is to offer children at least 3 positive comments for every negative one. Children who feel appreciated for their efforts and see themselves as successful will feel better about themselves and will see the world in a more positive light.
Another key tool for promoting optimism in children is to help them challenge negative thoughts. Negative thoughts and expectations often lead individuals to give up, whereas optimism motivates people to stick with a problem and to find solutions. “The Little Engine That Could” who told himself, “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can” is a prime example of the type of positive self-talk that leads to optimism and increased feelings of self-worth.
In all, the “recipe” for helping children turn lemons into lemonade is really pretty simple…optimism grows out of everyday habits like talking about good things that happen, appreciating children for the good things they do, and helping them challenge negative thoughts. Given the tremendous benefits of optimism, we have plenty of reasons to focus on the positive! For more information about building optimism in children, read Martin Seligman’s book, The Optimistic Child.
Kelly H. Theis, Ph.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
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