Can You Hear Me Now?
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
The cell phone commercial that utilizes the words, “Can you hear me? Can you hear me now?”
may resonate with parents in addition to cell phone users. How many of us parents wonder if,
in fact, our children hear us when we make a request or give a directive because there is no
response on the other end? When this happens we tend to repeat ourselves over and over and
over again, but to no avail. We end up frustrated while our children learn to be non-compliant,
because when we repeat ourselves, we are, in effect, teaching our children not to listen to us the
first time. They know they don’t have to get it the first time, since the request will be repeated
many times over. So, how can we teach our children to listen the first time, take responsibility
for their choices, and decrease our frustration? The answer lies in how we give the directive in
the first place.
The first thing to remember is that, as parents, we cannot control our children’s behavioral
choices. Many of us feel responsible for our children’s choices, which can be gauged by how
emotional we get over their refusal to comply with our requests. When we repeat ourselves, we
are holding the responsibility for the task we are asking our child to complete. “Johnny, do your
homework….. Johnny, I said do your homework…. JOHNNY, TURN OFF THE TV AND GO
DO YOUR HOMEWORK!!!!!” Johnny is not feeling a sense of responsibility for his
homework completion, his parent is feeling responsible. As long as his parent feels this sense of
responsibility, Johnny will not feel it himself. What we can control as parents are the limits we
set, the consequences we specify, and following through in a calm and consistent manner. When
we set the parameters in this way, we provide an opportunity for our children to make their own
behavioral choices, based on the possible consequences for their choices, and we encourage a
sense of ownership for these choices.
This creates a sense of self-responsibility. If, for example
Johnny’s mother says, “Johnny, you need to start working on your homework by 5:00 P.M.; if
you choose not to start by 5:00, for every minute you delay you will lose 2 minutes of media
time tonight.”, Johnny learns that his behavior has consequences, and his mother can feel
comfortable in knowing she is setting appropriate parameters. If Johnny chooses not to start his
homework until 5:15, and she follows through in a calm manner by taking away 30 minutes of
his media time, she is taking charge of what she can as a parent, setting a limit, setting
appropriate consequences, and following through in a calm, consistent manner. If Johnny’s
mother remains consistent, he learns to make an informed choice about when to start his
homework, and this contributes to a developing sense of self-efficacy. Consistency is important
even in the face of our children’s resistance, and resist they will until they understand that
parents always mean what they say.
There are four steps to giving a directive. First, we need to be specific with our request. It is
not enough to say “Clean your room”, because what does “clean” mean? We have to specify
exactly what the child has to do to merit a “clean room”. For example, saying, “your clothes
need to be folded and placed in drawers or hung in your closet, there has to be a clear path to
walk in your room, and your bed needs to be made for your room to be considered clean”, leaves
nothing to the imagination and makes an evaluation of a clean room easy. Second, we need to
specify a time frame. We want to let our child know when his or her room should be cleaned
by. Next, we have to specify what happens if the child completes the request and what happens
if he or she does not. Putting this all together, giving a directive to clean a room would look like
this: “Johnny, your clothes need to be folded and placed in drawers or hung in your closet, there
has to be a clear path to walk in your room, and your bed needs to be made by 4:00 P.M. in order
for you to earn computer time tonight”. The final step in giving a directive is to follow through
with the stated consequence in a calm and consistent manner.
It is important for us as parents to learn that we cannot make our children’s choices, but can set
clear limits, can clarify consequences for the choices our children make, and can follow through
calmly and consistently. When we practice these parenting skills, not only do we encourage
compliance, but we also contribute to our children’s sense of self-efficacy. Utilizing these
strategies should reduce the need for the phrase, “Can you hear me now?” when we are giving
our children directives.
Marcia Kaufman, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
You Want to Wear What?
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
Lately, I’ve heard many parents express concern regarding their child’s choices in clothing and
accessories, while their child complains that parents simply don’t understand and are being too
controlling. While I certainly advocate for kids and teens to have freedom with respect to their choice
of attire, I also understand that the concern many parents have about their child’s clothing comes from a
place of love and protection. So, here are some thoughts for parents to entertain when confronted with the
question, “You want to wear what?”
Adolescence is a time for (healthy) experimentation and teens often try on many hats before figuring out
who they truly are and how they want to be perceived by the world. So for many teens, clothing choices
are a way to literally try on an identity. Their clothes often have an underlying meaning that is important
to them with respect to fitting in with their peer group. Therefore, that band t-shirt your child has been
begging for means more to them than just “I want that.” It is a way for your child to fit in with their
peers, have other kids notice them, or express who they are without having to say a word. Feeling like
one fits in, while simultaneously being unique, is one of the major goals teens have and clothing choices
not only help them portray who they are, but also help them feel more confident when in social situations.
Imagine for a moment that your child has decided to pick your outfit for your next business meeting
or social function…scary, right? Just as most children and teens do not understand the subtle nuances
associated with clothing and accessory choices many adults make (just think about the different sock,
watch, and shoe choices that are deemed socially appropriate given the situation), most adults do not
understand the meaning behind their child’s clothing choices. For example, adults who dress up for a job
interview are not only dressing up because of how they may be perceived, but also because dressing well
lends itself to increased self-confidence in a situation where another person is evaluating them. Similarly,
adolescents dress in particular styles because they feel more confident when interacting with peers who
they perceive as constantly evaluating them. Teens are in a heightened state of self-consciousness that
makes them feel like everyone is watching them. When embarrassed many people respond with anger or
irritability, which many be part of the reason a child may respond negatively if their parents try to make
them wear particular clothes. In the teen’s mind, those old, worn out jeans will make them look “cool”,
while those nice, new jeans will make them look like a “loser.”
When confronted with differences in opinion about what your child wants to wear, it is recommended
that parents explore their own reactions to their child’s choices. For many parents, their concern is not
only based upon a worry that others will treat their child negatively, but also based on a fear that others
will negatively judge them as parents. Once parents have a solid understanding of their own concerns
about their child’s clothing it is recommended that they then discuss their concerns with their child in
a non-judgmental way, while also listening to what their child says about why that particular outfit is
important to them. It is hoped that through open communication a compromise can be made so that
parents feel more comfortable and their teen feels heard. Finally, as long as the clothing choice is not
truly objectionable or inappropriate, it may be best to simply appreciate that you have a child who is in the
midst of healthy identity development. You might also take plenty of pictures so you can kindly remind
them of their “interesting” clothing choices when they are a parent themselves.
Mary Kathleen Hill, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
I Before E, but not after C
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
I have a good rule of thumb that keeps positive energy in balance in the world of parenting. It’s as much a challenge in the world of parenting as learning the rules of grammar once was, but also just as rewarding. The I before E rule is simple: Inquire before Evaluating. In other words, take the time to get information about what’s going on with your child before you evaluate the situation. When your child tells you that the teacher called him out today because he was clowning around in class, before you evaluate and give a thumbs down on getting called out, take the time to ask about what was going on. You might find out that your middle schooler is experimenting with power and finds humor from his/her friends irresistible.
Asking the right questions can help you to have a conversation that can deepen your understanding of the struggle that is tugging away during this developmental period. Or, before you evaluate your teen’s sleeping in until noon on the weekend, “inquire” first if there is anything getting in the way of going to sleep or sleeping through the night. Answers might help you to uncover a mental health issue, such as depression, that can manifest itself in low energy, fatigue, and insomnia. And here’s a perk: Being asked questions before getting feedback can help your child to feel visible and empowered, important experiences when you live in a world where you have to swallow so much feedback and accountability from adults. Your questions might even help your child to find answers that clarify what is going on for him or her. In fact, well-formulated question can help a child to think more deeply about the reasons behind what they’re doing.
In the end, this will probably help to create behavior change that is more enduring than blind compliance with your instructions. The third rule is also important– make sure the assessment and evaluation doesn’t come after Criticism. Anxiety often drives a spirit of correction, which can sometimes turn into criticism. Often, well-intentioned desires for our children to be successful slide into criticisms when expectations aren’t met. If a child hears the criticism, “Your room is never clean,” you’ve immediately weakened the power of the Inquiring (”What is your motivation for not keeping your room clean?”) and Evaluating (”It seems important to make picking up your room part of your daily routine”).
Following these grammar rules in parenting can be valuable slowing down the process of addressing an issue so that you can use a more understanding tone and feel more empathy. And for many of the issues that we are anxious to “fix” for our child, if we checked ourselves honestly, we can look back to a time when we thought, felt, or behaved the same way. Make yourself accountable for remaining positive in the process of teaching/evaluating by asking yourself if you’ve taken the time inquire just enough to help your child have a voice. And when you are navigating through a sea of instructions, being heard can feel good.
Virginia DeRoma, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Helping Children Deal with Anxiety: The Worry-Eater
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
Childhood anxiety is all too common in today’s world. Parents often ask me for concrete, practical ideas to help school-age children deal with worries. One of the tools I sometimes use in therapy with children is to create a “Worry-Eater.” To try it at home, tell your child that you have a great idea that will help take the power away from his worries.
Let him know that although the worries seem very powerful and difficult to get rid of, it is possible to gain control over the worries. Since children often doubt their own ability to manage the worries at first, ask your child to think of what kind of animal/monster/creature would be able to help him gain control over his worries. Ask your child to think about what his Worry-Eater would look like, what its name would be, and what kind of powers it might have. Once he has thought about the kind of Worry-Eater that could help him get rid of the worries, ask him to draw it. Be sure to have him add detail to the drawing and to really flesh out and describe the Worry-Eater’s powers.
Once the Worry-Eater is created, attach a big envelope or folder (anything that can hold pieces of paper) to the back of the drawing. Your child and you will then write down one of your child’s worries. For instance, your child might write, “I am worried I might get sick”, “I am worried about my test tomorrow”, or “I am nervous about this weekend’s sleepover.” Once the worry is written down, ask your child to “feed” his worry to the Worry-Eater (i.e., put it in the envelope/folder). Then help your child think about what the Worry-Eater will do to get rid of the worry.
In addition to “eating it up”, this might include using coping skills such as coming up with positive, encouraging thoughts, challenging the worry, and/or distracting oneself with pleasurable activities. This active and creative process of creating and using a Worry-Eater helps children feel more in control of their worries and builds important coping skills. Moving forward, your child can write down and have the Worry-Eater eat his worries on a daily basis (or as needed).
Praise your child when he gives worries to the Worry-Eater and if he brings up thos worries again later, gently remind him that the worry is gone because the Worry-Eater has already eaten it. With practice, your child will soon learn that he does not have to be bothered by worries any longer.
If your child has significant anxiety that is not responsive to your attempts to help him control it, it may be helpful to seek a short-term course of individual therapy with a professional who has expertise in childhood anxiety.
Kelly H. Theis, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Encouraging Healthy Autonomy in Your Teen
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
“They are trying to grow up too fast!” is a complaint that we often hear from parents about their young teenagers. Parents often end up in our offices because their efforts to make and enforce rules with their teens have backfired, and everyone is unhappy. While parents are generally just trying to keep their adolescents safe, teens tend to see parents’ efforts as overly strict, rigid and unfair. On the other end of the spectrum, some families end up consulting us because their teens are overly dependent and not making appropriate progress towards independence.
One important thing for parents to keep in mind is that teens are supposed to be growing up, and in fact they don’t have very much time to bridge that gap between losing the last of their baby teeth and choosing their first semester college courses. Further, by the time they get to the end of that process, most parents actually want their teens to be operating relatively self-sufficiently. They want their kids to know their own strengths and weaknesses and be able to make good, healthy decisions on their own. So, as the parent of a young teen, what can you do to help promote the kind of healthy autonomy that is likely to support your child on their path to being an independent, competent adult? Here are a few tips:
1. Include your teen. Research on adolescent development indicates that teens thrive when parents solicit input from them on family rules, even though parents still can opt to make the final decisions. Encourage your teen to tell you their reasons for wanting a certain privilege, and listen seriously to them while they do so. This practice in advocating for themselves can go a long way towards enabling teens to appropriately identify and assert their own needs later on in life. Further, teens who feel like their parents at least acknowledge their point of view (even if their parents don’t agree) are more likely to listen to their parents in return.
2. Pick your battles. Giving your adolescents control over some areas of their lives (e.g. clothing choices) can help reduce conflicts in other, arguably more important areas (e.g. curfew). Remember that teens’ drive to grow up can’t be squelched, any more than an infant’s drive to get mobile and explore the world can. The best parents can do is to try to “direct the flow” of this normative (though arguably difficult!) developmental process.
3. Give your teen responsibilities. If your son or daughter is going to ultimately be able to take care of themselves, they need to be in the habit of doing so before they are packing their bags to leave home. Teens can help with the family laundry, cook dinner once/week, take care of a younger sibling, wash the car, take out the trash… the list is almost as endless as parents’ own chore lists.
4. Find meaningful activities for your teen. Although many of our kids’ lives are very full, teens often complain that much of their time is spent on activities that don’t feel particularly worthwhile or important to them. Many adolescents are not great at delayed gratification, which makes schoolwork (leading to the distant vision of more of the same in college) not terribly fulfilling to them. Teens can gain a great deal of competence as well as personal gratification by helping others — volunteer work is a particularly powerful venue for building a sense of self and gaining important life skills.
Kathleen Boykin McElhaney, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Yes, YOU Are a Model
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
Ever feel like somebody’s always watching you? If you have children, then I’m assuming the answer is YES! I have heard several stories about parents talking candidly with their spouse only to later hear their child repeat the one phrase from that conversation that should never be repeated. Kids are like little sponges and they seem to absorb everything whether you want them to take it in or not. For those with older children, it might even surprise you to know that your 15-year-old recluse who stays shut up in their room hears and sees more than you realize when it relates to family life. Fortunately and unfortunately, this means that as a parent you are a model, maybe even a supermodel in their eyes.
In most instances, being a model for your children is a no-brainer and most parents readily accept this challenge; however, there are times when parents can sometimes forget that they are models and that their own attitudes and behaviors impact how their children think and act. For example, some parents struggle with controlling their own behavior when angry which, if happens more often than not, can lead to anger management difficulties for their child. In this instance it is important to remember that our children often mimic how we cope with feelings, so if one parent tends to be a yeller then this is modeling that yelling is an acceptable form of expressing one’s anger. If yelling is not acceptable within the family home, then the fact that one parent yells can be quite confusing and frustrating for a child (and adolescent) when they are reprimanded for expressing their anger in the same way.
It can be helpful for parents to sit down together and talk about how they expect their children to act when confronted with a variety of positive and negative situations so that each parent can attempt to model these behaviors themselves. For example, what would you expect from your child when they are disappointed about not making the varsity soccer team? Would you expect them to come home ranting and raving about how the coach does not know anything and that the try-outs were fixed or would you expect them to come home and express their understandable disappointment and frustration in a more productive way. In this instance, it is then important for each parent to think about how they have dealt with disappointment in the past and recognize whether they displayed anger toward their boss after not receiving a promotion at work or whether they came home and openly acknowledged their disappointment and frustration by discussing the situation with their spouse.
The good news is that kids take in our positive moments too! So each time you are polite to a waiter, compliment a friend or constructively resolve a conflict with your partner they soak up those moments too. The more you model how you would like your child to respond to situations, the more probable it is that they will follow your lead and the better you will feel about your parenting. However, remembering that no one is perfect and, therefore, no parent is perfect is also important. You can model a healthy self-acceptance of your own areas that need improvement as a way of helping your child if they tend to beat themselves up after making a mistake. For example, if you lose your temper and end up yelling you can later apologize to your child and let them know what you would have done differently. By doing this you are not only modeling how to acknowledge and apologize when you’ve been wrong, but you are also showing them respect. Now, tilt that chin and go model!
Mary Hill, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Values We Live By: What Are Yours?
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
It is generally safe to assume that a person has a set of values he or she lives by. When asked, it is probably easy to identify a handful of personal core values. Yet, if pressed, how easy is it to name all the values that define who you are? Do you think your children could name your top three?
More often than not, we assume that not only do we understand what our values are without really needing to think about it, but we also assume our children and others know what those values are too. Just as we teach our children vocabulary to learn and understand new concepts, so too do we need to teach the vocabulary of personal and family values.
So, what are values? They are words, ideas, and standards we live by, that define our person, our family. Values may be taught to us through family tradition, including examples such as integrity, honor, bravery, or education. We learn values from our culture: togetherness, independence, or tradition. Values can come from spiritual means: faith, selflessness, compassion, or forgiveness, or from friends: trust, openness, honesty, and respect. We even have values we learn from our favorite sports team: loyalty, pride, and sportsmanship!
Our personal values define who we are. Values help a person make tough choices, pick their friends, and decide what to do in life, day in, and day out. Take a moment, and ask yourself the following questions. Do you notice any consistent values you rely on; or perhaps, values you were not fully aware you held?
- How do you choose to spend your free time?
- How did you decide on your job/career?
- How do you choose your close friends?
- What are the most important factors you consider when faced with tough choices?
- How do you react/respond when someone wrongs you?
- If someone described you in three words, what words would you hope they choose?
Defining and internalizing a set of personal values is an important part of developing your identity. Values offer a baseline for decision-making, problem solving, and choosing the people with whom you surround yourself. Values are our guideposts in navigating life’s curvy roads. Values help define our families, and help mold our children. As parents, the family values we establish serve as the foundation for the personal values our children adopt.
Throughout their lives, we can teach our children the things we value. As small children, it may be through songs or play. In grade school, it may be through drawings or games. In early and late adolescence, keeping a “values business card” in your pocket may be the way you choose to always remind yourself, and your children, of what is important. Either way, defining family values teaches the vocabulary and the skills needed to develop strong identities and a basis for making healthy decisions and tough choices throughout our children’s lives.
Amie Allain, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
Teach Your Child to Fish
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
There’s an old proverb that says if you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day; if you teach a man to fish, he’ll eat for the rest of his life. This saying has tremendous relevance for parenting. As parents of children and teens growing up in an increasingly competitive world, we want to give our kids every advantage we can afford and protect them from every harm we can imagine. It’s tempting to wrap them in bubble wrap before sending them to school. The reality is that we can’t protect our children from every harm and we can’t make life always easy for them—nor should we.
The temptations to over-protect children come from a good place—parents not wanting their children to hurt. But in trying to keep our children safe, we can inadvertently set them up for difficulty. Over-sheltering children teaches kids that the world is a dangerous place to be feared, and this can lead them to be overly cautious and anxious. It also leaves them ill-equipped to handles life’s ups and downs. How will a child learn to stand up, dust herself off, and try again if she never falls off the bicycle? Some kids who are overprotected internalize a sense of inhibition which prevents them from appropriately exploring the world, trying new experiences, and engaging fully in life. Another common secondary effect of over-protecting is an autonomy-seeking teen who rebels against the bubble wrap, exploring the world with wild abandon. Either way, the outcome of over-sheltering children is generally not what parents were aiming for in the first place.
Similarly, over-functioning for our children can lead to undesirable outcomes. In an effort to help our child rise to academic challenges by helping them with every math problem, designing every poster, and coordinating every school project, we may forget that the point of all the homework and projects is that the child learns to do them himself. The key to helping and not handicapping your child is to provide only as much scaffolding as he needs. If your kid looks at his project and says, “Wow, Mom! You did a really good job on this,” then you’ve gone too far. When the job is done your child should feel a sense of accomplishment and have learned or improved skills.
It is important that we teach our children to be independent and resilient. The training we give them as children sets them up to be self-sufficient adults. If we don’t allow them to fail sometimes as kids, they will be rocked by the experience of failing as an adult, when they don’t have the safety net of home to catch them when they fall. Teach your children to fish, and they will be able to provide for themselves as adults.
Melissa K. Hunt, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Should an Eye Exam Be on Your Child’s Back To School List?
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
Vision plays an important role in successful academic performance. Vision is the ability to understand what one sees, and is a learned process. A large portion of learning happens visually in traditional classroom settings. When I ask parents about their child’s vision I often get responses such as “His routine eye exam was 20/20.” It is important to understand that a routine eye exam only measures how well one can see the eye chart, meaning certain sizes of letters that can be seen at 20 feet. It does NOT detect other vision problems that can interfere with learning. Specifically, a typical routine eye exam can’t detect problems with eye movement control (needed for tracking along lines as one is reading/writing), focusing near (needed for copying from the board), maintaining visual focus (needed to keep up with the material being learned and prevents the eyes from fatiguing), eye teaming (needed for the eyes to work together), and depth perception (needed to accurately judge distances of objects).
It is important to identify the symptoms that could signal a possible vision problem. Some of these are listed below:
• Frequent loss of place when reading
• Takes much longer doing homework than expected
• Skips words or repeats lines when reading out loud
• Has short attention span when reading and doing schoolwork
• Reverses letters such as b’s and d’s
• Omits or substitutes small words like “of” for “for”
• Frequent eye rubbing or blinking when reading or doing schoolwork
• Problems catching or hitting balls
• Clumsiness with physical activities
• Avoids reading
• Complains of eyes being tired easily
• Poor posture when working close
• Complains of blurring or double vision when reading or writing
• Squints when doing near work
• Poor reading comprehension
• Fails to recognize the same word in the next sentence
• Holds books or other homework materials very close when reading/working
Many students’ visual abilities are under-developed and thus not up to the level needed to face the learning demands of classroom situations. If your child has a history of struggling with reading and learning, a comprehensive eye exam by a Developmental Optometrist is warranted.
Such an examination will determine whether poor visual skills are interfering with the learning process. Lastly, the above listed symptoms could also be indicative of other learning challenges that can be assessed in a comprehensive psychoeducational evaluation. Refer to our test services page for more information.
Maria Kanakos, Psy.D. Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services You read all the pregnancy books, the breastfeeding books, the guides to the first year of your child’s life, but none of them exactly prepared you for how it would feel to be a new mom. Along with the enormous sense of love for your baby and the awe of how this tiny little person can be so spectacular, you may also experience thoughts and feelings that you didn’t really expect. Many moms feel guilty for some of these feelings, and it’s important to recognize that you’re not the only one who thinks and feels this way. Many new moms have moments of feeling that they have been reduced to nothing more than a baby-feeding and diaper-changing machine. They experience a loss of identity as they get absorbed by this new role. Being home with the new baby—either on maternity leave or indefinitely if you’re not going back to work—can feel very isolating at times. Furthermore, women who considered themselves very efficient, organized, and task-oriented in the pre-baby days often discover that they lose track of time, can’t keep the house clean, can’t even manage to shower regularly in the weeks and months following childbirth. In a nutshell, having a baby really does change everything. It is important that new moms give themselves permission to feel the emotions that come up. This is easier to do if you have other people to talk to who are in the same boat. Consider joining a new moms group or doing a mother’s day out program. If you are not interested in formal group settings, then get to know your neighbors better by taking baby for a stroll around the block and stopping to talk to people. It’s also important that new moms have reasonable expectation for themselves. You are most likely not Superwoman, and you will have to let a few things go. Be willing to ask for help when you need it. Communicate openly with you spouse about how you are feeling. Of course, anxiety and depression following childbirth can reach a clinically significant level, and if that is the case you should talk with your doctor about treatment. If you find that you are feeling depressed and extremely overwhelmed more days than not, if you are having thoughts of suicide, or if you are having thoughts of harming your baby, you should talk with your doctor immediately about treatment. Treatment for Post-Partum Depression can include both medication and psychotherapy. No matter what the degree of post-baby stress you’re under, you have the right to seek the support you need…you’ve earned it! Melissa K. Hunt, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
What to Expect After You’ve Been Expecting
FamilyFirst Psychological Services
| FamilyFirst Psychological Services. All Rights Reserved | Baltimore Search Engine Marketing |