Draw Your Lines in the Sand
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
Find it hard to say no? You’re not alone. At one time or another, we all fall victim to our own ill-defined limits. Whether it is something small, such as lending something that is not returned right away, or something more serious, such as inappropriate remarks from a peer, asserting boundaries can be tricky. That task is much harder when you do not know what your personal boundaries are. Let us break boundaries down, and take it one piece at a time.
First, consider with whom you have boundaries. Does anyone have an all access pass? Hopefully not. Even those with whom we share the closest relationship, at some point, we have a boundary. However, those boundaries vary greatly from person to person. For example, we have different limits that we place on our immediate family versus strangers. Here is a list of different people to consider when defining your personal boundaries:
• Spouse/Partner
• Children
• Parents
• Siblings
• Extended family (e.g., aunts, uncles, cousins)
• Close Friends
• Co-workers
• Acquaintances
• Strangers
Second, there are different types of personal boundaries. Think about it, there are many different ways your “comfort zone” can be breached, right? A stranger stands too close to you in the grocery line, an acquaintance asks a question that feels a little too personal, or a co-worker questions your religious beliefs. These are examples of physical, emotional, or spiritual boundaries. The next step in defining your personal boundaries is by understanding what type of boundaries you have. Below is a sample list of types of boundaries:
• Physical
– How much physical contact are your comfortable with?
– Consider the range of possible physical contact, from no contact to the most intimate types of touch.
• Emotional
– How emotionally close are you comfortable with a person being?
– This can be harder to define because it is an abstract idea, meaning that it is not something we can easily define.
Helpful questions for considering your emotional boundaries are:
• How much personal information are you comfortable with this person knowing?
• At what point do you start to find it more difficult to trust this person with personal information?
• How comfortable are you in allowing this person to see you emotionally upset?
• Financial
– How much money, if any, would you be willing to lend this person?
– How much money, if any, would you be willing to borrow from this person?
• Religious/Spiritual
– Would you be comfortable sharing your beliefs with this person?
– Would you be comfortable participating in religious/spiritual exercises/activities with this person?
• Privacy
– How much access to personal information/accounts are you comfortable giving to this person?
– How much access to personal spaces are you comfortable giving to this person?
The next step to defining personal boundaries is to explore what your limits are across boundary type and person. In other words, when with a stranger, what are your physical, emotional, spiritual boundaries? How about with a close family member? Consider making a chart that you complete to define the boundaries you have with the different people you encounter in your life.
The quickest way to asserting boundaries is to know what your boundaries are to begin with.
Amie Allain, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
It’s the Holidays- Time for “No” Thank You Notes
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
Take a minute to remember how it felt the last time that you were told “no.”
• “No tables left on the deck, but we can seat you in the corner inside.”
• “No, we actually don’t have your size and aren’t getting any more in.”
• “No, we have no more rooms available.”
When is the last time that you thanked someone for telling you, “No?”
• No deck seats and it’s such a beautiful day outside. Thank you very much.
• No more of the style I like in my size? I can’t thank you enough.
• Wow- I won’t be able to stay right in the conference hotel then. Thank you.
People generally hope and expect that things will go their way. They don’t want to do without, lose a chance, or not have their needs not taken seriously. Yet, when our needs aren’t met, it presents an opportunity to grow. We detach from the thought that things must always go right and learn to appreciate times when they do. Being told “no” helps us place aside our pride and our sense of entitlement and focus on experiencing what we know–disappointment is not only inevitable, but also necessary.
It reminds of something we sometimes forget in a world where we have friendships at our keyboard fingertips and extended store hours at our convenience — we are not in control. Not getting your way is good for you. Acceptance strengthens us. It reassures you that you can delay gratification. It slows you down enough to consider how you can manage when life is neither convenient nor comfortable. It helps re-establish clarity between what we want and what we need.
It strengthens our identity as strong, resilient, and resourceful. Being pushed outside our egocentrism zone helps us get in touch with humility and brings the background of others into focus–setting us up to understand, tolerate, and reciprocate. If you receive a holiday present that you didn’t want, something that doesn’t fit or that you can’t use, write a mental “no” thank you note for the reminder that life is about connection, rather than insta-contentment. And the next time you’re told “no,” finish with “thank you.”
Virginia DeRoma, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Values We Live By: What Are Yours?
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
It is generally safe to assume that a person has a set of values he or she lives by. When asked, it is probably easy to identify a handful of personal core values. Yet, if pressed, how easy is it to name all the values that define who you are? Do you think your children could name your top three?
More often than not, we assume that not only do we understand what our values are without really needing to think about it, but we also assume our children and others know what those values are too. Just as we teach our children vocabulary to learn and understand new concepts, so too do we need to teach the vocabulary of personal and family values.
So, what are values? They are words, ideas, and standards we live by, that define our person, our family. Values may be taught to us through family tradition, including examples such as integrity, honor, bravery, or education. We learn values from our culture: togetherness, independence, or tradition. Values can come from spiritual means: faith, selflessness, compassion, or forgiveness, or from friends: trust, openness, honesty, and respect. We even have values we learn from our favorite sports team: loyalty, pride, and sportsmanship!
Our personal values define who we are. Values help a person make tough choices, pick their friends, and decide what to do in life, day in, and day out. Take a moment, and ask yourself the following questions. Do you notice any consistent values you rely on; or perhaps, values you were not fully aware you held?
- How do you choose to spend your free time?
- How did you decide on your job/career?
- How do you choose your close friends?
- What are the most important factors you consider when faced with tough choices?
- How do you react/respond when someone wrongs you?
- If someone described you in three words, what words would you hope they choose?
Defining and internalizing a set of personal values is an important part of developing your identity. Values offer a baseline for decision-making, problem solving, and choosing the people with whom you surround yourself. Values are our guideposts in navigating life’s curvy roads. Values help define our families, and help mold our children. As parents, the family values we establish serve as the foundation for the personal values our children adopt.
Throughout their lives, we can teach our children the things we value. As small children, it may be through songs or play. In grade school, it may be through drawings or games. In early and late adolescence, keeping a “values business card” in your pocket may be the way you choose to always remind yourself, and your children, of what is important. Either way, defining family values teaches the vocabulary and the skills needed to develop strong identities and a basis for making healthy decisions and tough choices throughout our children’s lives.
Amie Allain, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
Popularity and Your Teenager: Not Everyone has to be Homecoming Queen
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
While wanting to be liked and needing to fit in tend to be important no matter what your age, these issues are often especially important to adolescents. Teenagers often spend a good deal of time and energy worrying about how they are perceived by their peers. And parents often spend a good deal of time and energy worrying about what exactly their teenagers are doing with their peers — or alternatively, being concerned that their teenagers aren’t out with their friends on the weekends. In either case, some recent research from the University of Virginia might provide some helpful information for both parents and teens.
Researchers at UVa began studying a group of young adolescents when they were about 13 years old (when concerns about popularity and peer influence are often most pressing), and have since followed them yearly into early adulthood. Several interesting findings have come out of this study with regard to popularity and peer influence.
First, teens who were rated as popular by their peers at school at age 13 actually showed increases in their engagement in behavior problems (alcohol/drug use, minor deviant behavior) in the next year. Second, teens that were observed to be more easily influenced by their friends (during discussions held in the researchers’ lab) at age 13 demonstrated also more behavior problems in the next year — particularly if their friends were also engaging in these same behaviors. Thirdly, this same group of young teens was also asked how they felt about their level of social acceptance — did they feel liked?, did they have friends? — separate from what their peers said about their social status. It turned out that teens who felt liked and accepted demonstrated high levels of positive adjustment over the next year, regardless of whether their peers also saw them as popular.
These findings have several implications for teens and their families. First, they provide some validation to parents’ concerns about negative peer influence, suggesting that it is very important for parents to know who their teens’ friends are and to find out exactly what is happening during those Saturday night parties. Second, popularity during the middle school years may often come at a cost — kids at this age tend to admire other kids who seem “grown up”, which often equates to engaging in forbidden/adult behaviors. (Unfortunately, choices made at this age can have lasting repercussions — preliminary data that follows these same adolescents over time suggests that the patterns of higher levels of alcohol and drug use that begin in middle school often last through adolescence and into early adulthood.) Finally, while this may sound like a cliche, being popular is not what matters the most. Instead, it is important to have a group of friends that like and accept you. Further, this group could be at school, but also could be part of a Girl or Boy Scout troop, a group of summer camp friends, a church youth group, or a sports team. In other words, it really doesn’t matter whether or not you’re the Homecoming Queen (or King), and in fact, that level of social acceptance may sometimes come at a cost that is too high to pay.
Kathleen Boykin McElhaney, Ph.D.
Navigating Young Adulthood
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
For many young adults, the transition from student to “grown-up” can be particularly challenging and stressful. After a lifetime spent in school learning how to make the grade and make a name for themselves on campus, many young adults are left feeling lonely and lost upon entering the real world. Other young adults, though their initial transition from student to adult was smooth, may begin to feel pressure to reach certain life milestones, such as marriage or starting a family. Adding in a graduate school career can complicate the matter even further. Whatever the reason, it seems it is much more common now than in previous decades for young twenty- or thirty-somethings to experience feelings of confusion, anxiety, and/or dissatisfaction with their current life trajectory.
One question I typically ask young adults who express concern about not being where they should be is, “Where did you get your life plan?” What I mean by this is, did you develop your life plan when you were still in high school, are you using your parents’ plan as a guide for your own, or are you comparing your life to your friends’ lives? It is very easy to get caught up in the idea of “shoulds,” such as I should have a job that pays as much money as my friend’s job or I should be married by now. The problem with “shoulds” is that they are often self-imposed rules that can leave you feeling depressed or anxious. Instead of relying on shoulds, I suggest looking at what you do like about your life, reevaluating your priorities with respect to what is realistic for your current situation, and making a new plan for how to obtain short term goals that may lead you in the direction you are hoping to go in.
For many people, just knowing that other young adults are feeling overwhelmed by their mounting responsibilities, changes in expectation, or the pressure to succeed, is enough to help them get through this tumultuous time; but, for others, they may find meeting with a psychologist beneficial. There are several advantages of talking with a professional rather than a family member or a friend; a psychologist is an objective party who does not have a preconceived notion of what your life “should” look like. Therefore, she is more likely to help you explore your needs, desires, goals, and self without the same expectations that those close to you may have. Additionally, a psychologist might be able to help you identify patterns of thinking or behavior that may be negatively impacting your life, such as “all or nothing” thinking, perfectionism, or self-sabotaging behaviors. Finally, you may find the mere act of talking through your concerns as helpful, especially when certain fears and worries about the future are normalized and validated. If you find yourself in the midst of a “quarter-life crisis” feel free to contact any of us here at FamilyFirst to discuss what options are available to you and to determine if setting up a consultation is right for you.
Mary Kathleen Hill, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
January 24, 2011
Healthy Families and the Coming Out of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender Youth
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
Within the past month, there has been an increase in the amount of attention given to the issues surrounding Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender (GLBT) youth, especially the effects of peer bullying. As I have touched upon bullying in previous blogs, I would like this blog to focus on the importance of family support, particularly in the case of GLBT teenagers. I am aware that each family, as well as individual family members, has their own perspectives concerning GLBT issues; therefore, the purpose of this blog is not to change minds, but to simply encourage unconditional family support, which is a vital ingredient in all healthy families no matter the issue being addressed.
One of the major events in a GLBT youth’s life is the coming out process. I use the word process here because the decision to tell family, friends, and acquaintances is a lifelong process not just a one time event; however, for many GLBT individuals telling family members marks the beginning of their coming out process. For many parents, hearing the news that their child is gay is not a surprise and they are readily able to provide support to their child and reassure them that such news does not change their relationship in any way. However, for other parents, the news can not only be a shock, but may also evoke numerous feelings, not all of which are positive. In moments such as this, it is imperative that a parent take the time to explore their own feelings before rushing into any decisions that could potentially damage the relationship between parent and child. Remembering that coming out to family is often one of the scariest parts of the coming out process can help parents focus on their child’s needs in the moment rather than acting or speaking impulsively. One possible route for parents who find themselves confused after their child delivers the news that they are gay is as follows:
1) First listen to your child without interruption or judgmental statements
2) Acknowledge your confusion/shock, but reassure your child of your unconditional love
3) Ask for time to soak in the new information before making any family decisions
4) Educate yourself/seek guidance and support from other parents of GLBT teens
5) When ready, sit down and ask how your child would feel most supported by you
6) OR….if you find yourself still struggling with the news, consider attending therapy together. Family therapy might focus on GLBT education, healthy communication, as well as providing a safe place for everyone to explore themselves and their role(s) within the family system.
Finally, there are several organizations in the area that are aimed at providing support for GLBT persons, as well as their family and friends. One such organization is PFLAG or Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (www.pflagdc.org). PFLAG offers support groups, provides education, and advocates for GLBT individuals and their families. Obtaining the proper support can make all the difference for a GLBT youth, and it is often the support of family that buffers the effects of peer bullying. The act of providing unconditional love can truly make the difference in a child’s life, especially when it seems that others have turned their backs; therefore, remember that your relationship with your child is a precious gift and that you have more control over how that relationship evolves than you may even realize.
Mary Kathleen Hill, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
October 28th, 2010
Cultivating Social Support
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
Now Woody, he’s been my pal for as long as I can remember. He’s brave, like a cowboy should be. And kind, and smart. But the thing that makes Woody special is he’ll never give up on you… ever. He’ll be there for you, no matter what. – Andy, Toy Story 3 (2010)
It is amazing how children’s movies can help everyone, no matter how old, remember what is truly important in life. The life lessons taught in movies like the Toy Story series are reminders that no matter how frustrated we get, how low we may feel, or how challenging life can become there are always those who love us no matter what. For many, their support network is what helps them come through tough times even stronger than before.
A support system consists of the constellation of people in one’s life, such as family, friends, or co-workers, who provide comfort and a sense of belonging. Having a solid support system has been shown to not only improve emotional well-being, but also physical health; therefore, it is important for individuals of all ages to cultivate such relationships. Unfortunately, many individuals find it more difficult to develop solid support networks as they get older, which is often due to increased responsibility at home, less free time, and fewer chances to meet new people. However, it is usually during the high stress times, such as child-rearing, that many people find they need a support system more than ever, but don’t know who to turn to or even how to ask for help. Additionally, it is not uncommon for some people to be hesitant to confide in those around them because of a fear of looking bad or out of embarrassment; however, most would be surprised to find out that others have felt the same way or experienced a similar situation. It is often through sharing hardships that the best friendships are born.
To have a good friend, one must also be a good friend; therefore, it is important to make sure that each person gives and takes equally in a friendship. Supportive relationships should be just that, supportive; however, sometimes it is important to monitor whether you are receiving the same amount of support you are giving out, this helps ensure that the relationship continues to be uplifting rather than draining. Similarly, it is important to make sure competition is kept at a healthy level. For example, it can be helpful for friends to make a weight loss pact as a means of keeping each other accountable and providing encouragement; however, if the pact evokes too much competition it is possible that the friends may find themselves jealous or resentful of the other’s accomplishments, rather than happy and proud. Finally, one of the main tenets for maintaining a solid support network is simply staying in touch. Regular phone calls, emails, or in person visits are imperative to the survival of your relationship. By staying in touch you are building the foundation of your relationship, as well as sending the message that you care about each other. I encourage you to foster your own support network and help those close to you do the same, because the benefits are well worth the time and energy required.
Mary Kathleen Hill, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
October 4, 2010
Recognizing and Promoting Positive Social Development
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
As our children are now returning to the routine of school year, many parents of school age children face concerns about their children’s social development. They may notice that their child often plays alone and is not invited to play dates or birthday parties. Or it may be that their child is having a hard time getting along with peers; he or she may come home upset about an argument with a friend, may feel picked on by peers, or may get frustrated that others don’t want to follow their lead in games and activities.
Whatever the concerns may be, there are steps that parents can take to help to promote positive social development in their children. First, it is often helpful to do some research regarding what to expect in terms of social development at different ages. There are some great resources on the web to help with this, including an interactive “child development tracker” on the PBS website that contains sections on social and emotional development: http://www.pbs.org/parents/childdevelopmenttracker/index.html . Your child’s pediatrician is also likely to be a good source of information regarding typical aspects of social development at different ages, as is your child’s teacher and/or school counselor.
Parents can also observe their child in various social settings to gauge how he/she is interacting. Some possible areas to focus on for school age children include: Does my child show an interest in social activity that is going on around him/her? Does my child know how to initiate social interactions (e.g. asking another child to play, asking a group to join their activity)? Does my child cooperate well with others (e.g. take turns, share, compromise)? Does my child pick up on social cues? Does my child show compassion and/or empathy towards others? Does my child voice his/her needs and stand up for him/herself when necessary?
At home, parents can help their children to develop and strengthen their social skills by being good models of social skills themselves. Parents can also use books, TV shows and movies to initiate conversations with their child about social skills and social interactions (what do you think that little girl felt like when that happened in the story? I wonder what else she could have done in that situation to make it turn out better. How would you handle that type of situation? etc. ). If parents are concerned that their child is overly shy and/or socially immature, they can encourage their child to participate in social activities that are likely to be successful. For example, plan playdates with a familiar child at your house, where you can be available to supervise and troubleshoot if necessary. Consider enrolling your child in a group activity with peers that can provide structured and well-supervised opportunities to interact socially (e.g. classes in an area of interest, scouts, sports).
Finally, if you have serious/ongoing concerns regarding your child’s social development, consider consulting with a mental health professional and/or your child’s pediatrician in order to determine whether an evaluation or professional intervention may be helpful.
Kathleen B. McElhaney, Ph.D.
Helping Your Child with Bullying
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
In recent years, there has been an increase in media and community awareness surrounding the topic of bullying, which has resulted in many schools adopting a zero-tolerance policy with respect to bullying behaviors. However, even with the increased awareness and school interventions in place, there is a high likelihood that your child will encounter some sort of social harassment, whether personally or as a witness. Additionally, bullying has ceased to be confined to the schoolyard or classroom due to the popularity of social networking sites and text messaging, meaning children and adolescents have the potential to experience bullying 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. So how do parents and other concerned adults spot the warning signs of bullying and help combat the effects of known bullying?
First, it is important to understand that anyone can be the target of intimidation and that teasing often exists even within circles of friends. Though some teasing behaviors are a sign of affection between friends (i.e. silly nicknames), it is important to help your child understand that they have the right to request that their friends stop any behavior or stop saying any statements that makes them feel uncomfortable. It is when an individual’s requests for respect are disregarded by their peers, or even blatantly overlooked, that bullying can become a source of distress. The effects of continued bullying on an individual can include the manifestation of anxiety symptoms, physical complaints (i.e. stomach aches, headaches), low self-esteem, and/or depressive episodes. Additionally, long-term bullying can lead to increased thoughts related to suicide and possibly even leave emotional scars that continue to trouble an individual into adulthood.
If you encounter a situation where it is suspected that your child is being harassed, it is important to take the situation seriously and consider the following tips:
- Approach the situation in a supportive manner with an emphasis on allowing your child to express their own thoughts and feelings about the situation before interjecting your own thoughts or feelings. Though it may be difficult to stay calm knowing that your child is suffering from the hands of others, it is still important to remain in control of your own emotional reaction so you can stay focused on your child’s needs in the moment.
- When your child is calm, you might try to find out all of the facts about the situation (i.e. who was involved, where were they when the event occurred, how long has the harassment been occurring). It is during this time that you may be able to help your child determine if there is anything that can be done to help prevent the situation from occurring.
- Help your child learn how to stand up for herself in a firm, yet nonaggressive manner. It is important to help your child understand that though they may want to fight back verbally or physically, such behaviors will only serve to escalate the situation rather than truly resolve the situation; therefore, it is recommended that children remain calm and refuse to respond to bullying.
- A group is less likely to encounter bullying rather than an individual; therefore, making sure your child has at least a couple friends will lessen the chance for bullying as well as provide your child with a supportive group of peers. If you feel your child is not connecting well with other children, you may want to consider a social skills group so they can learn how to interact appropriately and effectively with their peers.
- Finally, make sure you let other adults know about the situation, including school administrators and teachers, parents of your child’s friends, or coaches; however, if your child was physically assaulted by another child contacting the perpetrator or the perpetrator’s parents directly is not advised. Keeping in close contact with other adults who can help monitor situations and intervene if necessary can help keep you informed if the bullying persists or gets worse.
If you find yourself worried about the effects of bullying on your child or notice your child’s demeanor changing, you may want to consider seeking professional services. Early intervention can help prevent some of the emotional distress and self-esteem difficulties that are commonly associated with bullying.
Mary Kathleen Hill, Ph.D.
Tools For Teaching Children To Calm Down
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
Summer time is here! For some families the summer season is full of activities and adventures. While children enjoy this time of year, reducing stimulation over the course of the day is paramount. Over stimulation can contribute to irritability, hyperactivity, and melt-downs in some children. Take the opportunity this summer to help your child develop and use effective self-calming skills that he/she can also use during the school year. Below you will find several self-soothing activities to use for your child that come from various sensory inputs (e.g., touch, sound, etc.).
Calming activities involving the sense of touch include having your child take a warm bath, hold a soothing object such as a soft blanket or stuffed animal, snuggle with a parent, pat a pet, get a massage, or play with something like play-doh or sand.
Calming activities involving sound include having your child listen to a relaxation tape, a story on tape, and use a white sound machine. Sometimes children need noises screened out. In these cases, providing your child with ear phones or ear plugs can be effective.
Calming activities using vision include reading a storybook to your child, providing dim lighting (e.g., night light or glow in the dark stars), and for some children watching a familiar show (although not recommended before bed time) helps soothe them.
Calming activities involving movement include swinging or any other back-and-forth motions such as rocking in a rocking chair, shooting baskets, bouncing on a bouncy ball, and talking a walk.
Calming activities involving relaxation tactics include yoga, blow toys (like blowing bubbles) that encourage deep and slow breathes, and having your child lay down and imagine a peaceful place while taking doing relaxations breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth.
In closing, it is important for all parents to keep in mind the importance of avoiding over-scheduling children. Often children have so many planned things to do that they lose sight of the simple pleasures that make them happy. I encourage parents to try to maintain an equal balance of stimulation and down time in your child’s daily schedule.
Maria Kanakos, Psy.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
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