Enjoying the Season by Focusing on the Present
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
As the holiday season approaches, many of us begin to feel stressed, overwhelmed and exhausted. In the face of shopping lists to work through, travel itineraries to plan, and seemingly endless school functions to attend, we often lose sight of the potential for joy, celebration and re-connection with loved ones that this season is supposed to bring. Thus, the holiday season is an especially good time of year to practice “living in the moment”. Although this advice often sounds trite and worn out, in fact it is based on very sound psychological principles that can help reduce stress, boost your mood and improve your outlook on life.
First, consider the alternatives to “living in the moment”. One alternative is to focus on the past. While there can be some value in reflecting on the past and taking stock (how else would we make New Year’s resolutions?!), too much dwelling on the past can foster feelings of regret and sadness that can in turn promote depression. If you find yourself constantly thinking thoughts that begin with “if only I had…” or “I wish that I could have…” it may be time to try focusing on the present. A second alternative to living in the moment is focusing on the future. Again, there is some value in anticipating what challenges may be ahead of us and planning accordingly. However, a singular focus on the future tends to promote feelings of anxiety and distress, and can lead to feeling overwhelmed and helpless. If you are often playing various possible scenarios over and over (“what if this happens…” “what if that happens….”), consider working more on focusing on the moment that you are in.
This holiday season, try to actively savor something that you might otherwise hurry through. Take a break from your “to do” list and focus on what your senses are telling you about where you are and what is going on around you. Be an objective observer of your environment, and stop to notice what you see, hear, smell, taste and feel. If you are baking treats for a child’s school function, take a few minutes to luxuriate in that smell of fresh-baked holiday goodies. If you are wrapping a gift for your work gift-swap, take time to notice the way that the wrapping paper sparkles and how the ribbons curl just so. Appreciate the warmth of your sweater, the sparkling lights on your neighbor’s porch, and the sweet smell of pine as you pass the display of wreathes outside of the grocery store. If you find yourself becoming overwhelmed with tasks, stop, close your eyes, and breathe. Focus on the fact of your breathing, being sure to breathe deeply into the bottom part of your lungs, engaging your diaphragm. Counting as you breathe will help you to breathe more deeply, and also help you to focus on what you are doing as opposed to what you have to do.
In short, the best way to get more enjoyment out of your holiday season is to focus a bit more on the present moment – and perhaps a bit less on the present(s) on your list.
Kathleen Boykin McElhaney, Ph.D.
Values We Live By: What Are Yours?
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
It is generally safe to assume that a person has a set of values he or she lives by. When asked, it is probably easy to identify a handful of personal core values. Yet, if pressed, how easy is it to name all the values that define who you are? Do you think your children could name your top three?
More often than not, we assume that not only do we understand what our values are without really needing to think about it, but we also assume our children and others know what those values are too. Just as we teach our children vocabulary to learn and understand new concepts, so too do we need to teach the vocabulary of personal and family values.
So, what are values? They are words, ideas, and standards we live by, that define our person, our family. Values may be taught to us through family tradition, including examples such as integrity, honor, bravery, or education. We learn values from our culture: togetherness, independence, or tradition. Values can come from spiritual means: faith, selflessness, compassion, or forgiveness, or from friends: trust, openness, honesty, and respect. We even have values we learn from our favorite sports team: loyalty, pride, and sportsmanship!
Our personal values define who we are. Values help a person make tough choices, pick their friends, and decide what to do in life, day in, and day out. Take a moment, and ask yourself the following questions. Do you notice any consistent values you rely on; or perhaps, values you were not fully aware you held?
- How do you choose to spend your free time?
- How did you decide on your job/career?
- How do you choose your close friends?
- What are the most important factors you consider when faced with tough choices?
- How do you react/respond when someone wrongs you?
- If someone described you in three words, what words would you hope they choose?
Defining and internalizing a set of personal values is an important part of developing your identity. Values offer a baseline for decision-making, problem solving, and choosing the people with whom you surround yourself. Values are our guideposts in navigating life’s curvy roads. Values help define our families, and help mold our children. As parents, the family values we establish serve as the foundation for the personal values our children adopt.
Throughout their lives, we can teach our children the things we value. As small children, it may be through songs or play. In grade school, it may be through drawings or games. In early and late adolescence, keeping a “values business card” in your pocket may be the way you choose to always remind yourself, and your children, of what is important. Either way, defining family values teaches the vocabulary and the skills needed to develop strong identities and a basis for making healthy decisions and tough choices throughout our children’s lives.
Amie Allain, Ph.D.
Licensed Psychologist
What To Do When You Can’t Do Anything About It
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
Wishing something would happen but it never does. Wanting someone to do something different, but she never does. Worrying about what someone else thinks of us, getting angry when the rain spoils our cookout, and stressing about what the traffic will be like when we leave work tonight. These are all things we have no control over. And yet, these are the types of situations that we often spend many hours of our day fretting about, causing our lives to be more stressed than they need to be.
Often, when we are stressed, anxious, or feeling down, we are focusing on what we can’t control and, unfortunately, not taking charge of what we actually can control. When we focus on what we cannot control, our anxiety, as well as our feelings of hopelessness and sadness, increase because we are, in fact, creating an impossible situation for ourselves. No matter how talented or intelligent we are, we have no control over the weather, what someone else thinks of us, or what someone else does or says. And when we shine the spotlight on that which we cannot control, we leave all that we can control hiding out in the dark. For example, we can take control by developing a contingency plan or alternate date for our cookout, and by making the best possible behavioral choices for ourselves when interacting with others. Once we have taken control of what we can, it then helps to remind ourselves that this is all we can do, and we will have to let the rest go. If we are successful, we tend to feel more at peace and less stressed and anxious.
Differentiating what we can and can’t control, problem solving when we do have control over a situation or parts of a situation, and letting go when we do not, are vital steps for maintaining a mentally healthy life. Once we have determined which parts of a situation we can and can’t control, we can go through 4 basic problem solving steps to manage what we can control and we can learn strategies for letting go of what we cannot.
When we approach a problem or a dilemma, we first want to define the problem, then think of ALL possible solutions, thirdly, think of the consequences or ramifications for each possible solution, and finally, make the best choice, given our options and the consequences for each option. We can practice slow deep breathing, mindful meditation, yoga, and visual imagery techniques to learn to let go of that which we cannot control. Distracting ourselves with enjoyable activities such as reading, exercise, listening to music, talking to a friend, or snuggling with our loved ones, also works well when we need to let go of what we cannot control.
When feeling especially stressed, ask yourself if you are shining the spotlight on what you can’t control and try to light up what you can control. Often the stressful feeling itself can be a clue that you are focusing on things you have no control over. Learning to differentiate what we can and can’t control, problem solve what we can control, and let go of what we can’t, will help us find a sense of peace, reduce stress and anxiety, and leave us with a greater sense of empowerment in our daily lives.
Marcia Kaufman, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Teach Your Child to Fish
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
There’s an old proverb that says if you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day; if you teach a man to fish, he’ll eat for the rest of his life. This saying has tremendous relevance for parenting. As parents of children and teens growing up in an increasingly competitive world, we want to give our kids every advantage we can afford and protect them from every harm we can imagine. It’s tempting to wrap them in bubble wrap before sending them to school. The reality is that we can’t protect our children from every harm and we can’t make life always easy for them—nor should we.
The temptations to over-protect children come from a good place—parents not wanting their children to hurt. But in trying to keep our children safe, we can inadvertently set them up for difficulty. Over-sheltering children teaches kids that the world is a dangerous place to be feared, and this can lead them to be overly cautious and anxious. It also leaves them ill-equipped to handles life’s ups and downs. How will a child learn to stand up, dust herself off, and try again if she never falls off the bicycle? Some kids who are overprotected internalize a sense of inhibition which prevents them from appropriately exploring the world, trying new experiences, and engaging fully in life. Another common secondary effect of over-protecting is an autonomy-seeking teen who rebels against the bubble wrap, exploring the world with wild abandon. Either way, the outcome of over-sheltering children is generally not what parents were aiming for in the first place.
Similarly, over-functioning for our children can lead to undesirable outcomes. In an effort to help our child rise to academic challenges by helping them with every math problem, designing every poster, and coordinating every school project, we may forget that the point of all the homework and projects is that the child learns to do them himself. The key to helping and not handicapping your child is to provide only as much scaffolding as he needs. If your kid looks at his project and says, “Wow, Mom! You did a really good job on this,” then you’ve gone too far. When the job is done your child should feel a sense of accomplishment and have learned or improved skills.
It is important that we teach our children to be independent and resilient. The training we give them as children sets them up to be self-sufficient adults. If we don’t allow them to fail sometimes as kids, they will be rocked by the experience of failing as an adult, when they don’t have the safety net of home to catch them when they fall. Teach your children to fish, and they will be able to provide for themselves as adults.
Melissa K. Hunt, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Helping Children Cope with the 10th Anniversary of 9/11
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
For most people, they will never forget where they were or how they felt in those first few hours and days following the attacks of 9/11. With the ten year anniversary approaching, strong and varied emotions seem to be resurfacing for many individuals. While emotional reactions are expected and completely normal in response to such a horrific event, it is important to consider the impact our reactions as adults are having on our children. The American Psychological Association has an area of their website dedicated to the 9/11 Anniversary and children: http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/september-anniversary.aspx.
On their website, they provide an excellent discussion guide written by Robin H. Gurwitch, Ph.D., for parents and educators about how to best handle discussions concerning the attacks of 9/11 and terrorism. The guide offers a TEACH model which stands for Talk, Express, Act, Connect, and Help, which is only briefly outlined below. Please visit http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/nick-news.pdf for the full document and for more extensive information.
Talk
Encourage discussion
Ask about any worries or concerns
Listen to what your child tells you
Offer Patience and Empathy
Share your own thoughts and feelings
Express – Understand that everyone reacts to stressful events like 9/11 in individual ways. Also, research has suggested that watching traumatic events on television can be associated with emotional reactions, so even children who weren’t even born or too young to remember the attacks will be witnessing the same visual stimuli that we adults witnessed ten years ago as media attention intensifies over the next few days. Help your child by encouraging them to share their emotions and thoughts, including any spiritual questions, and by monitoring any changes in their behavior or physical condition.
Act – Some children may need to take action so they can feel safe and comfortable. Some actions you and your family can take include:
Establish an Emergency Safety Plan
Encourage Regular Routine During This Emotional Time
Set Realistic Goals Concerning the Future
Keep Health and Wellness in Mind
Connect – By reaching out to others after tragedies, we often feel more connected to each other, which can lead to feeling safer because we begin to see the best in people rather than the worst. Connecting children with various emergency personnel who can educate them about their jobs may help some children feel less stress about their immediate surroundings because they learn there are a wide range of people who are often ready and willing to help.
Help – Helping others often promotes good self-esteem and can empower children. Volunteering is an excellent way for children to get involved in their communities.
One last word on the subject, while it is important to be open and honest with our children it is also important that we protect them; therefore, it is suggested that you monitor your child’s media exposure over the next few days. Also, be sure to let them know that news broadcasts on the television and internet are replaying old footage and that the events are not actually happening in real time.
Mary Kathleen Hill, Ph.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Should an Eye Exam Be on Your Child’s Back To School List?
Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services
Vision plays an important role in successful academic performance. Vision is the ability to understand what one sees, and is a learned process. A large portion of learning happens visually in traditional classroom settings. When I ask parents about their child’s vision I often get responses such as “His routine eye exam was 20/20.” It is important to understand that a routine eye exam only measures how well one can see the eye chart, meaning certain sizes of letters that can be seen at 20 feet. It does NOT detect other vision problems that can interfere with learning. Specifically, a typical routine eye exam can’t detect problems with eye movement control (needed for tracking along lines as one is reading/writing), focusing near (needed for copying from the board), maintaining visual focus (needed to keep up with the material being learned and prevents the eyes from fatiguing), eye teaming (needed for the eyes to work together), and depth perception (needed to accurately judge distances of objects).
It is important to identify the symptoms that could signal a possible vision problem. Some of these are listed below:
• Frequent loss of place when reading
• Takes much longer doing homework than expected
• Skips words or repeats lines when reading out loud
• Has short attention span when reading and doing schoolwork
• Reverses letters such as b’s and d’s
• Omits or substitutes small words like “of” for “for”
• Frequent eye rubbing or blinking when reading or doing schoolwork
• Problems catching or hitting balls
• Clumsiness with physical activities
• Avoids reading
• Complains of eyes being tired easily
• Poor posture when working close
• Complains of blurring or double vision when reading or writing
• Squints when doing near work
• Poor reading comprehension
• Fails to recognize the same word in the next sentence
• Holds books or other homework materials very close when reading/working
Many students’ visual abilities are under-developed and thus not up to the level needed to face the learning demands of classroom situations. If your child has a history of struggling with reading and learning, a comprehensive eye exam by a Developmental Optometrist is warranted.
Such an examination will determine whether poor visual skills are interfering with the learning process. Lastly, the above listed symptoms could also be indicative of other learning challenges that can be assessed in a comprehensive psychoeducational evaluation. Refer to our test services page for more information.
Maria Kanakos, Psy.D. Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services For some children, it is more than just back-to-school time…it’s time to adjust to a whole new school! Whether your family recently relocated or your child is moving on to middle school or high school, starting a new school can be stressful. Below you will find 5 tips for helping your child adjust to a new school: 1) Provide opportunities for exposure to the new school. Take advantage of school open houses, tour the school, and meet the principal and other school staff. If possible, introduce your child to other students who will be attending the school and take advantage of a “buddy system” if the school offers one. Right before school starts, your child may benefit from a “trial run” that includes practicing the morning routine, including going to the bus stop/drop-off point and taking a walk to the new classroom(s). Make sure your child is familiar with the school schedule (including hours, class locations, etc.) and their routines for lunch and transportation. 2) Prepare your child for making new friends. Provide your child with a brief review of important social skills for creating new friendships, such as smiling, asking questions, identifying a shared interest, and getting involved in clubs/teams. Parents, too, can be an excellent resource for helping children meet new friends. You can arrange playdates, get your child involved in summer activities in the neighborhood, throw a cookout for families in the neighborhood, and start conversations with other parents at local playgrounds, libraries, etc. 3) Offer encouragement and support. Children may need additional “talk time” prior to and during the transition. Be available to hear their concerns, help them focus on the positive, and talk with them about what the change might be like. It may be helpful to talk with your child about successes he/she has had in dealing with transitions in the past and to remind him/her about previous positive experiences in making friends and meeting new people. 4) Get involved with the school. Children often feel comforted by their parents’ presence in school. Introduce yourself to your child’s teacher and maintain frequent communication. Get to know the school staff and visit often. If you have time, sign up to volunteer in the classroom and/or get involved with the PTA. 5) Read! Many books have been written for children of all ages about adjusting to a new school. Reading about issues children may face and/or hearing about how others have handled a similar transition can ease your child’s anxiety. Several recommended books include: “Ruby and the Booker Boys #1: Brand New School, Brave New Ruby”, “My New School”, “New Bear at School”, “First Day Jitters”, and “How to Be A Friend: A Guide To Making Friends and Keeping Them”. Kelly H. Theis, Ph.D. Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services Summer is a time when everyone takes a good look in the mirror to see how their bodies are going to fare in their bathing suit for their beach trip vacation. Whether it is fine-tuning for a more sculpted look or heading to the gym for a complete overhaul, our goal is the same – challenging ourselves to improve our fitness. It is just as important to take that assessment of ourselves psychologically in the mirror and to make necessary adjustments. How fit do we look when we are trying to see how well we measure up to our ideal? Here are a few things to ask yourself when you are sizing yourself up psychologically: 1. Are you exercising your heart? Are you controlling stress enough in your life to be showing a soft heart to your family? Friends? Self? Do you feel tender when you are talking with others or short-fused? If you feel short-fused a lot, it is probably a sign that you need to slow down and prioritize connecting over accomplishing. Rather than getting our hearts over-wrought with adrenalin over things not being perfect, let’s exercise the part of us that communicates how much people mean to us and get excited about relationships. 2. Crunches: Instead of asking if you are doing enough crunches, a mental health assessment requires you to ask the opposite- Am I crunching too much? Are you crunching time to get more out of the day and finding that you can’t crunch anymore? Are you or your family suffering because of it? How about taking something off your plate that will allow you to crunch less and enjoy more. Can you delegate something you already do and find benefits from it? Can the kids help cook and learn life skills while they are helping out? Have you left enough down time in your day to self-care or do you drop in bed at the end of the day without refueling psychologically? Reserve 10 minutes a day to exercise your right to do what you love to do. 3. How are your pectorals? It may be more important to ask yourself how you are exercising those pectorals, rather than how they look when not being exercised. Ideally, those pectorals are being used to hug and be hugged. Are you incorporating enough touch in your life to feel renewed? If not, try reaching out when you feel most stressed and allow tactile healing to relax you. Touch can bring about endorphins that provide a sense of well-being and peace that resembles the effects of physical exercise. 4. Your backside: Psychologically, we usually need more, rather than less when thinking about our backside. Who has your back in terms of support that you need? Do you have a weekly sitter that allows you to take a date night? Do you have enough help in the home to help you accomplish your household tasks? The next time your birthday comes around, skip the request for cologne or perfume and ask for a home organizer for a few hours or a carpenter for a half day to help you take some things of your to-do list. When you start your get-fit program for psychological health, stretching will likely be part of it. Behavioral changes require stretching to reach your personal best. Like developing physical muscles, each change you make will help you grow your confidence to live your life more consciously so that you can feel great in the summer, however you might look. Virginia DeRoma, Ph.D. Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services You read all the pregnancy books, the breastfeeding books, the guides to the first year of your child’s life, but none of them exactly prepared you for how it would feel to be a new mom. Along with the enormous sense of love for your baby and the awe of how this tiny little person can be so spectacular, you may also experience thoughts and feelings that you didn’t really expect. Many moms feel guilty for some of these feelings, and it’s important to recognize that you’re not the only one who thinks and feels this way. Many new moms have moments of feeling that they have been reduced to nothing more than a baby-feeding and diaper-changing machine. They experience a loss of identity as they get absorbed by this new role. Being home with the new baby—either on maternity leave or indefinitely if you’re not going back to work—can feel very isolating at times. Furthermore, women who considered themselves very efficient, organized, and task-oriented in the pre-baby days often discover that they lose track of time, can’t keep the house clean, can’t even manage to shower regularly in the weeks and months following childbirth. In a nutshell, having a baby really does change everything. It is important that new moms give themselves permission to feel the emotions that come up. This is easier to do if you have other people to talk to who are in the same boat. Consider joining a new moms group or doing a mother’s day out program. If you are not interested in formal group settings, then get to know your neighbors better by taking baby for a stroll around the block and stopping to talk to people. It’s also important that new moms have reasonable expectation for themselves. You are most likely not Superwoman, and you will have to let a few things go. Be willing to ask for help when you need it. Communicate openly with you spouse about how you are feeling. Of course, anxiety and depression following childbirth can reach a clinically significant level, and if that is the case you should talk with your doctor about treatment. If you find that you are feeling depressed and extremely overwhelmed more days than not, if you are having thoughts of suicide, or if you are having thoughts of harming your baby, you should talk with your doctor immediately about treatment. Treatment for Post-Partum Depression can include both medication and psychotherapy. No matter what the degree of post-baby stress you’re under, you have the right to seek the support you need…you’ve earned it! Melissa K. Hunt, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist Posted by FamilyFirst Psychological Services Keeping children entertained while on the way to your actual travel destination can be challenging. Whether driving or flying to your favorite vacation spot, children need things to do to keep them entertained. Most parents rely on having their kids watch a movie on the DVD player (portable or built into the car), play with the DS, or listen to music on the iPod in an effort to reduce stress and make their trip enjoyable. One problem with these options is that the family is disengaged from each other. Another disadvantage is that often times it becomes difficult for children to stop using these devices during rest stops and eating times. This may result in parent-child battles during vacation time. Parents need to keep in mind that all kids just want to have fun and not be bored during travel. It is our job as parents to introduce other alternative options to make this happen. The easiest way to come up with these things is to think back to your own childhood and remember what you and your family used to do for entertainment during a long car trip or flight when media options were not as readily available. Below is a list of some simple, yet fun things you can do with your children that facilitates family bonding and interaction during a family trip. • Play board games that come in travel sizes and/or card games such as UNO Summer is about enjoying time with your family during trips and vacations. Hopefully utilizing some of these tips during travel will increase chances of success and a more pleasurable trip. Maria Kanakos Psy.D.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Tips for Helping Your Child Adjust to a New School
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall…
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
What to Expect After You’ve Been Expecting
FamilyFirst Psychological Services
Planning a Vacation? How to Keep Children Entertained During Travel Time
• Read comics from the newspaper or a book
• Draw or color (Doodle Pads are another alternative)
• Bring back the fun of the license plate game during car travel
• Younger kids may enjoy interactive games such as “Knock-Knock Who’s There?” or “I Spy with My Little Eye”
• Taken from the classic Charades game, parents can play the “I’m thinking” game, where clues are provided in an effort for the other person to guess what is on the other’s person’s mind. In an airplane this game can also take the form of “Hangman” on paper
• More ideas for car games can be found in the book titled, Are We There Yet? Great Car Games to Keep Families Sane! By Jo Pink
• More road trip travel games can be found on MomsMinivan.com
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Posted 6-13-11
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